


The Truth

by MissMegara



Series: And Then There Was Him [2]
Category: Figure Skating RPF, Sports RPF
Genre: Dorks in Love, Drama, Falling In Love, First Time, Friendship, Humor, Kissing, M/M, Making Out, Romance, Secret Relationship, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-25
Updated: 2014-07-19
Packaged: 2018-01-26 11:32:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 28,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1686821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissMegara/pseuds/MissMegara
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/1604882/chapters/3415967">"The Dare."</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Rise and Shine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: This is a work of pure fiction, consisting of fictional characters living fictional lives.

Javier was woken by the sound of flushing water before a voice from afar made him open his eyes. "Morning sleepyhead." Javier looked up and was surprised to see Alex sitting at the table at the other end of the room. Didn't he just hear... ah, whatever. He sat up and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes when he suddenly realized that he was still wearing the same clothes he'd worn yesterday. The last thing he remembered was falling asleep. In bed. With Yuzu. Who wasn't here right now. Unlike Alex. 

Javier's brain was still half asleep and his eyes kept wandering aimlessly around the room. God, that yellow wall paint really was a crime against humanity.

"Yes," Alex finally said with a roguish grin, not bothering to look up from his laptop.

"Yes, what?"

"Yes, Yuzu was still here when we came back last night."

And just like that Javier was wide awake. A thousand questions ran through his head, but he settled on the most pressing one. "Who is we?"

"Relax." Maia came strolling out of the bathroom, patting his head as she walked by. "It was just me." She went over to the table and sat down next to her brother. "No, take that video," she said, pointing at something at the screen. "The one you took is out of sync." Maia leaned onto her elbows and rested her chin in a really awkward position on the back of her hands. "Soooooo?" she asked with an extra broad grin and gave Javier a wink. 

He had a feeling that he wouldn't enjoy this conversation at all. "So, what?"

"So, you had a good time last night, huh?" Javier didn't answer. "Oh, come on," she kept pressing. "Tell me something juicy."

"There's nothing to tell."

Maia raised her eyebrows with apparent indifference. "Okay then. I'll just go ask somebody else. There must be some gossip going around, right?"

Javier darted an angry glance at her. "You wouldn't." 

"I totally would."

"Trust me," Alex finally looked up from his laptop for a second. "She would."

"Nothing happened."

"Come on, get it off your chest, it will be good for you."

"Read my lips: There - is - no - thing - to - tell."

"Ohhh, the lady doth protest too much, methinks."

Javier shook his head and looked at Alex with irritation. "Is she drunk?"

"Probably, she rarely annoys people with Shakespeare when she's sober."

"You're such a killjoy. Just tell me and I'll shut up."

"There's nothing to tell."

"Didn't look like nothing when we came in. You two seemed to be pretty..."

"Can you make her shut up, please?" Javier asked of Alex pleadingly.

"You brought this upon yourself, I told you to put a sock on the handle."

"There was no need for you stupid sock, because nothing happened!"

Maia was still giggling. "You two already kissed at the rink yesterday, so at least that did happen."

Javier paused, still trying to figure out a way to make this go away. "Don't you have to be somewhere? Practice or something?" Great, that didn't sound like a cheap deflection at all.

"We all have the whole day off, silly. So, about that kiss at the rink..."

"That was just because of some silly bet he made with Kana."

"Did that bet include you two hopping into bed together?"

"No, and we didn't..." Javier's level of annoyance kept rising. Why couldn't she just let it go? "Look, nothing happened! He just came by last night because... you know, he thought I still needed cheering up because of my break-up and... What now?" Javier stopped himself when Alex gave him a look.

"Well, he was right about that. You've been kind of an insufferable prick since Cortney broke up with you. Maybe you'll mellow out a bit if you finally get laid again."

Javier wrung his hands, his body creating a noise that would've been more apt for a zoo animal than a human being. "Nobody got laid here!"

"You still didn't get any?" Maia sighed and shook her head. "Poor baby."

"How often do I have to tell you? Nothing happened."

"And still you two ended up in bed together."

"No, we... well, okay, so... technically that kinda happened."

"Yeeaahhh, I knoooowww, it happens, right? Things get all hot and steamy and sticky and you just can't keep your..."

"Hey!" Alex interrupted her oh so forthcoming storytelling. "Too much information, okay?!"

"Oh, so with her it's too much infor..."

"Dude, that's my sister. That's different."

Maia walked over to Javier's bed and sat down next to him. "Alex likes to think I'm a virgin," she whispered quietly, but her brother already knew that she'd say something like that before she'd even opened her mouth. "You know what would be awesome?"

"I don't want to know."

"We're doing one last vlog next week and..."

"Are you insane?"

"But it would be totally fun if you two would..."

"You are insane."

"Ohhh, come on, it's only for YouTube and not YouPorn."

Javier looked at Alex rather desperately. "Can you do something about her, please?"

"I'm not getting in there, she's your problem right now."

"You're way too uptight about this." Maia practically crawled into Javier's bed and started to massage his shoulders. She had obviously never heard about personal space. "So you fell for Yuzu. I get it, he's cute. You're certainly not the first one to fall in love with him."

Javier pushed her hands away harshly. "Who said that I love him?"

"Oh shut up," Maia groaned and rolled her eyes. "We all love Yuzu."

"We do," Alex agreed from afar.

"He's so perfectly adorable, it makes me wanna vomit sometimes."

"She kinda has a point there."

"And have you seen his skin? He looks like a friggin' marble statue. I know girls who would kill to have his looks."

"He really is pretty, isn't he?"

"Yeah, totally."

"Are you two done already?" Javier interrupted their praises with an annoyed growl. "What is this? The Yuzu Adoration Fan Club Meeting?"

"Yes," Maia smirked, "and since you got him into bed first, we just elected you president."

Javier bit his tongue while the siblings kept laughing about their own jokes. "I'm gonna take a shower," he said and pushed Maia off his bed so he could vanish into the bathroom.

"But a cold one!" she yelled after him.

Javier got almost two full minutes of alone time in the bathroom before there was a knock on the door. "Hey, Romeo," came Maia's chuckling voice from outside. "The other Romeo just arrived under the balcony and wants to steal you away."

Javier stuck his head through the door crack. Maia was sitting on her brother's bed, still grinning like a Cheshire cat and looking as annoying as ever. Yuzuru stood at the other end of the room. He was wearing his black sweat suit, and as always his earphones were dangling out of his collar. "I want to go for run," he said with a shy smile and pointed towards the door. "You want to come with me?"

"Now? Isn't it a little early for..." Javier contemplated his choices. Stay here with the insufferable Shibs or go for a run with Yuzuru. He needed about a nanosecond to decide. "Can you wait in the lobby? I'll be right down."


	2. Kiss and Tell

It took Javier a while to get Maia out of his hair, but he finally made it out of the room alive. He went down the hallway to the elevator and pushed the already lit-up button again. He startled when there was a sudden noise behind him and as he turned around, he saw Kanako leaning against the wall right around the corner. "You gotta be kidding me," he sighed. "First the Sucky Sibs and now you? I'm dead and this is hell, isn't it?"

Kanako rolled her eyes. Somehow this wasn't as much fun as it was yesterday. "You still so upset? What is wrong with you?"

"With me?"

"Yes, with you. Always angry at me. And that after I did you favor."

"You what?"

"I did you favor," she insisted. "You were always cranky, you really needed new lover. I just helped."

"He's not my... God, you're annoying! And besides, you remember I had a GIRLfriend, right?"

"Meh." Kanako shrugged her shoulders. "Yuzu sometimes almost looks like girl anyway."

"There is still a tiny little difference."

"Oh it's not that tiny," she replied with a naughty smirk and started to giggle.

For a brief moment Javier was actually speechless. But only for a very brief moment. "I knew that he was sleeping with you," he blurted out, doing everything but point a finger at her.

"Ewww, no!" Kanako shook her head and thrummed her fingers against her forehead as if she was trying to get that image out of her head as fast as possible. "I was just kidding, I never... ewww!" Kanako made a face and walked past Javier into the elevator that had just arrived. 

"What is it with you and the Ewwws?" he mumbled while he followed her reluctantly.

"Why you still angry with me? I was so nice to you. My bet with Yuzu was about very different kiss and I did not make you do that at the rink. You should thank me."

"Yes, you're awesome, thank you." 

"What else do you want? Bet is over, you have new lover and..."

Javier took her by the arm and turned her towards him. "Why won't you let this go?" he asked calmly and in all seriousness. 

Kanako groaned and rolled her eyes again. "Yuzu was right, you really are idiot."

"So now you're talking about me?"

"What is your problem?" Kanako made him take his hand off her arm. "We all know you two like each other."

"That's because we're friends."

"Okay, then now you are... I think word is friends with benefits, yes?"

Javier didn't get a chance to protest because at that very moment they arrived at the lobby. When the elevator door opened, they could already see Yuzuru who was standing close to the main entrance. Before Javier could do anything against it, Kanako had linked arms with him and pulled him along, knowing damn well that he wouldn't try to push her away forcibly with all those people around. Yuzuru looked a bit confused, but also pleasantly surprised when he saw the two walking towards him arm in arm. "You're no longer fighting? That's good."

And again Javier didn't get a chance to say anything because a flood of Japanese words started to pour out of Kanako's mouth. Those two didn't even try to include him in their conversation but just kept babbling. At least he could assume that it wasn't all bad, because they were obviously joking with each other and Yuzuru looked at him with a shy smile from time to time. He would just let this one go. But when Kanako left, she turned her head for one last comment, so Javier yelled after her, "I understood that!" Kanako stuck her tongue out, but just to be on the safe side she walked away a little faster than originally planned.

"You didn't understand that."

"No, but don't tell her."

Yuzuru chuckled and bumped into his shoulder. "I won't."

Javier stretched himself. "So... running... great. Where do you want to go?"

"My room."

Javier pulled up one eyebrow. "You want to run in your room?"

"I only have morning off and must do interviews in the afternoon."

Oh, right. Somehow Javier had completely forgotten that this was the new Post Olympics Era and his friend was now a friggin' rock star in Japan. The media was going crazy about him and his schedule was completely packed. They had only seen each other so much over the past few days because of the ice show and the practice sessions that came with it. 

"You could've just said so when you came to get me. I would've been out of there a hell of a lot faster."

"I made up excuse to save you from Maia." Javier looked at him with confusion. "When I leave last night, Maia said she will tease you. So I thought I maybe go safe you now. But if I tell her that I want you to come to my room..."

"Yes, I get it. She would've run amok with that info." Javier didn't have the heart to tell Yuzuru that his transparent excuse hadn't worked out much better. Maia had still made some pretty graphic comments regarding sweaty men, heavy breathing and the importance of improving one's stamina. Alex had almost fled the room before Javier did. But right now all that didn't matter. They turned around and went to the elevator to go back up again. "Thanks by the way for getting me out of the room. Maia was insufferable."

"What did she say?"

"She... well, nothing really, I guess... She was prying, it was annoying."

"What is prying?"

"You know, she was... being nosy, asking too many questions and... assuming things."

"Yes, she asked many questions when I leave last night."

Javier was feeling a bit uneasy about this. "What did you tell her?"

"I tell her it's none of her business and she should not tell other people."

"Have you met her? She's a total gossip, she's going to tell everybody."

Since they were alone in the elevator, Yuzuru didn't hesitate to take Javier's hand. "She won't tell."

 

"Are you kidding me?" Javier exclaimed as soon as they entered Yuzuru's room. "How did you manage to get a single room?"

Yuzuru smiled at him slightly embarrassed. "I get things," he said with a shrug.

Of course, the golden boy, how could he forget again. He might have mentioned that single room last night, it would've spared him the episode with the Shibs this morning. 

Yuzuru took off his shoes, hopped onto the bed and sat down cross-legged. "You sit," he said and tapped on the seat in front of him. Javier sat down sideways on the corner of the bed right in front of Yuzuru, with one leg bent and the other foot still touching the floor. He had barely reached the mattress when Yuzuru grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him close. Javier could feel a shiver run through his whole body as Yuzuru's warm breath was already touching his face but their lips hadn't quite met yet. "We do this again?" Yuzuru asked in a whisper, already so close that Javier could partly feel the movement of his lips against his own. He didn't bother with an answer but simply closed the paper-thin gap between them on his own.

After he'd already had a taste of him last night, a simple kiss didn't seem nearly enough for Javier. Impatiently he kept pushing forward and pretty soon their lips and tongues were all over each other again. Javier put his hands on Yuzuru's thighs and did his best to keep them right there. He remembered what had happened yesterday when his hands started to wander, and he didn't want this kiss to end just yet. Yuzuru grabbed Javier's head with both hands and held him back, forcing him to stop for just a moment. "Slow down," he said quietly and waited for him to take another breath before he carefully placed his lips on Javier's again. Yuzuru kept holding him back, refused to answer his all too passionate advances, slowed down the pace of their kiss. Javier felt an awareness of every single movement, be it his own or Yuzuru's, turning each contact into a delicate touch filled with pleasure and affection.

Javier could barely hide his disappointment when Yuzuru leaned back to sit up straight again, indicating that the kissing portion of this encounter would be over for now. "That was nice." Yuzuru put one hand on Javier's cheek and gently let his thumb slide over his lower lip, as if to wipe away the last remnants of his kiss. Javier didn't answer but only nodded slightly. The look on Yuzuru's face conveyed a mixture of amusement and understanding. "You're still not sure because you're not kissing girl, right?"

In a weird way Javier felt caught, although he didn't exactly know why or in what. "Um... you know, I... haven't really kissed all that many guys before. Or... any guy."

"Is no different to kissing girls."

"And you would know?"

Yuzuru nodded. "I know." There wasn't even the slightest undertone to his words. It was simply a statement of fact. 

"We never really talked about things like that."

"Yes, you talk," Yuzuru giggled. "You tell about girlfriends all the time. But you never ask."

At first Javier wanted to protest, but on second thought he had to admit that he probably had a point. Javier wasn't one to pry and Yuzuru had never volunteered any information about his love life. It wasn't exactly planned that Javier might become part of it, so there was no need to know anything. "Okay, so, since we're talking about it…" Javier felt like a complete idiot for what he was about to say. "So... you're into guys."

Yuzuru met this clever observation with a shrug. "I don't care if guy or girl. When I like one, I just like one."

There was an uncomfortably long pause because Javier didn't know right away how to react to this revelation. "That easy, huh?" he finally replied with his eyebrows raised higher than they should've been.

Yuzuru's candid smile became a tad wider. "Is not complicated." Javier really couldn't decide if he should smack the naivety out of him or if he should envy this simplistic approach to life. Yuzuru put one hand on Javier's knee to regain his attention. "You have problem with this?"

"No, not exactly, it's just..." He wasn't quite sure how to describe this non-problem he was having.

"Just you don't like me?"

"No... I mean, yes, sure I like you. But I never actually thought about liking you _that_ way."

Yuzuru started to laugh as if Javier had just said something utterly ridiculous. "Liking is not about thinking," he managed to utter between his giggles. "That you just feel."

He was damn right about that. Thinking and feeling had nothing to do with each other in Javier's case. When he kissed Yuzuru last night, that was pure need, a want he couldn't control. The thinking came afterwards. But when he looked at Yuzuru just now, his mind started to fail him again. 

Yuzuru was still laughing and it brought a smile to Javier's face. "I'm not sure yet how I feel about this," he said quietly and with more than just a hint of uncertainty in his voice.

"Don't worry." Yuzuru gently stroked his arm. "You don't have to be sure right now. There's time to find out." His fingers went up Javier's arm, over his shoulder and down his chest, where they once again grabbed the fabric of his shirt. "We could start with finding out how you feel about kissing."


	3. Privacy

The ice show moved to another city, and another city, and Javier had no idea where they were right now. And he didn't care. Alex had agreed to keep sharing the room with Javier. Luckily he didn't care even a little bit about what went on between Javier and Yuzuru. He made the occasional inappropriate comment, but he didn't really expect anything in return. They had an unspoken arrangement. When Javier wouldn't show up all night and only came back to the room the next morning, Alex wouldn't ask. Which was good. Javier didn't want to talk about this, although he constantly felt like he needed to explain himself.

Maia of course insisted on still being a pain in the ass. Alex refused to tell her anything, but since he didn't know anything there wasn't much to refuse. So she did the next best thing and annoyed the hell out of Javier every chance she got. Every single day she would drop little insinuations, just veiled enough so that nobody else would understand what she meant. There was only one reason she was still alive: killing her would've ruined Alex's skating career as well, and he was actually being a friend here. The one positive note was that none of them told anybody. Javier had no idea how Yuzuru had managed to convince Maia to keep her trap shut, but aside from her teasing she actually kept their secret. Even Kanako had finally backed off.

 

It was Javier's last night in Japan. In less than 20 hours he would sit on a plane heading for Spain to spend a few days with his family. Which was also a good thing. He would meet up with friends and family who he hadn't seen in quite a while since the Olympic season had been such a hectic one. Before the preparations for the next season would have to start, he could now take a short but much needed break. Not so Yuzuru, who would stay here, do about a gazillion more interviews, more shows, attend ceremonies and all that other media stuff that came with his new status as Japan's favorite son. It would be at least a month until they would see each other again in Toronto. Right now that sounded like an unbearable eternity to Javier. It had only been a little more than a week since they first kissed, but already Javier had a hard time to imagine how he wouldn't be able to do this for the next few weeks.

Later that night Javier went over to Yuzuru's room. As always he'd been the fortunate one to score a single room. Whenever they found the time these days, they met up for one of their little "make out sessions" as Yuzuru affectionately called it. Not that they had done all that much up until now. They kissed and they cuddled. Javier spent most of his nights in Yuzuru's bed. Sleeping. Which was nice and all. He just had a hard time keeping his hormones in check. Whenever he touched Yuzuru, he really wanted to touch him a little more. But sooner or later Yuzuru always broke it off. Most of the time it was rather sooner. And Javier got it, all this was still new and he didn't want to push Yuzuru to do anything he wasn't ready for. Not that Javier himself had a concrete idea what that "anything" might entail in this case. But he wasn't even sure if Yuzuru had ever had a girlfriend before. Or boyfriend, or... whatever. He didn't want to put any pressure on him. If only the desires of his body were as noble as his good intentions.

When he was about to knock on the door, Javier remembered that he didn't have to. Yuzuru had gotten him a second key card. He took it out of his pocket, placed it over the slot of the sensor, but didn't push it down. It felt weird. To just go in there. He couldn't even put his finger on it why he felt that way. Finally he managed to move his hand and lower the card. A green little dot lit up, he heard a silent buzz and pressed down the handle. When he opened the door, he saw that Yuzuru was already jumping off the bed and coming towards him with the sweetest smile on his face. Javier felt like he could leave all his silly thoughts in the hallway behind him.

"You're late."

"Sorry, I got held up." Javier had just about enough time to put the key card in his pocket and close the door before Yuzuru already slung his arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. "I should be late more often."

"You shouldn't." Yuzuru suddenly started to push him away again. "And also... you stink." Now that was a turn-off if Javier had ever heard one. "You didn't take shower before you come here, did you?"

"I told you, I got held up. I didn't have time."

"You should have time for not stinking." He pushed Javier further away and scrunched his nose. "If you want to spend night here, you must go take shower."

"Seriously?"

"You don't have to leave," he said conciliatorily and patted his arm. "You can do it here."

Javier's frown turned into a naughty smile. "You could join me." He tried to get closer to him again but Yuzuru kept him at arm's length. 

"I already took shower."

"That's not what I meant."

"I know what you meant." Yuzuru tried to feign indignation, but his own face was reacting against his wishes and turned into a smile again. "You go shower now before I change my mind and kick you out."

 

When Javier got out of the bathroom a few minutes later, Yuzuru was back on the bed. He was lying on his stomach, reading a book that he was holding way too close to his eyes. He should put on his glasses more often. Javier was only wearing his sweat pants and still toweling down when Yuzuru looked up for a moment, and then with an almost blushing smile went back to his book. "What?" With a laugh Javier threw the towel at him. "You don't like what you see?" Yuzuru pulled the towel from his head and still wouldn't look up from his book, but even from the side Javier could see his smile getting broader.

Javier kneeled on the edge of the bed, put one leg over Yuzuru and sat down on his thighs. He lowered his upper body onto Yuzuru's back until he was practically lying on top of him and then slipped his hands underneath Yuzuru arms to reach for the book. "What are you reading?" He put his chin on Yuzuru's shoulder and turned the book on its head. "Those Japanese characters really all look the same to me either way."

Yuzuru took back the book and turned it around again. "But they don't go both ways."

With a chuckle Javier put a kiss on his cheek. "Unlike you."

Yuzuru didn't quite get what he meant, but he also didn't really care. Javier started to run his fingers through Yuzuru's hair, tilted his head to the side and buried his face in his neck. "You're still wet," Yuzuru complained half serious.

"But I smell much better than before," came the muffled answer from directly below his ear. Javier pushed himself up and sat back on the bed when Yuzuru started to scramble underneath him. He let the book sink to the floor, crawled through the bed and kneeled over Javier's lap. "You just always have to be on top, huh?"

Yuzuru pursed his lips and put his arms around Javier's neck. "You're heavy."

"No." Yuzuru was still wearing the jacket of his sweat suit and Javier slowly opened the zipper. "You're just tiny underneath all those layers." Yuzuru's only answer was a smile. He let Javier pull down the jacket and throw it on the floor. "I'm leaving tomorrow." 

"I know."

"Do you know when you'll be back for training?"

He shook his head. "Four weeks, maybe five."

Javier slightly bent his knees, thereby pushing Yuzuru a little closer to himself and put both arms around his waist. "I'll miss this."

For an instant the smile on Yuzuru's face turned into sadness before he closed his arms tightly around Javier's neck and pressed his face against his cheek. "I'll miss you." 

"How's your schedule tomorrow?" Javier slipped his hands under Yuzuru's shirt and caressed his lower back. 

"I have interview at TV studio at noon." Yuzuru leaned back again and let go of his neck when Javier kept pushing his shirt upwards. He gave in, lifted his arms and let him take it off.

"My flight's in the afternoon. We've got all night and the whole morning." Javier slowly leaned back and laid down on the bed, not letting go of Yuzuru and pulling him down with him. Yuzuru didn't resist. He tried to reply, but Javier had already buried one hand in his hair, pulled him close and kissed him. After a while Javier gently pushed him to the side, leaned over him and buried his face in Yuzuru's neck again before his kisses started to move downwards. Javier could feel Yuzuru's skin curl under the touch of his lips as they kept brushing his naked skin over and over again. He lingered over his belly button, letting the tip of his tongue circle around and inside of it. A high-pitched moan escaped Yuzuru's throat as he arched his body into Javier's touch. But not a second later he pushed Javier on his back and kneeled over his lap again. He grabbed his wrists and forced his arms onto the bed as he bent down to kiss him. 

After a few minutes of rolling around, Yuzuru suddenly stopped. He sat up straight but held Javier down on the bed by his shoulders. He stared at the ceiling like he was thinking really hard about something and then let himself fall sideways onto the mattress. Javier immediately tried to climb on top of him again, but Yuzuru put one hand on his chest to keep him down. "I think we stop now."

Javier looked confused and even more frustrated. "What? Why?"

"You get..." He tried to think of a polite way to describe it while his hand slowly moved up and down Javier's chest. "You get too excited."

"I what?" Yuzuru bit his lower lip and glanced down at his fingers which had by now reached the waistband of Javier's pants. Javier's eyes got even wider than they already were. "You're kidding."

"I'm not kidding."

"You know it isn't a bad thing that this happens, right? You need to learn how to take a compliment."

"I still think we stop now."

"But we won't be seeing each other for a whole month. Don't you think that we... "

"That is terrible reason," Yuzuru interrupted him. His tone of voice had changed slightly, but Javier didn't notice it.

With a deep grunt Javier let himself fall on his back. "Has someone already taught you the phrase _cock tease_?"

"That's not what I did."

Javier kept staring at the ceiling and pointed to his lap. "That's _exactly_ what you did." By now he sounded way more annoyed than frustrated.

Yuzuru sat up straight and forced Javier to do the same. "Last week you tell me you don't know how you feel about this," he said unusually sharp. "You know now?" Javier had already opened his mouth to answer, when Yuzuru held up his index finger and added, "Don't lie to me because you want to get me in your pants. I know when you lie." Javier closed his mouth again. He'd totally been planning to do just that.

"Come oooon..." Javier's annoyance gradually turned into whining. "How am I supposed to figure things out if you won't let me do anything?"

"I let you do things."

"You know what I mean by ‘things', do you?"

Yuzuru began to resent Javier's condescending attitude. "So then you're sure how you feel about this?" he asked again, even more snippy than before.

"Right now I'm pretty sure, yes."

"How do you know?"

"Look down, there's an obvious sign. But if you don't get it, I'd be happy to show you and explain it to you."

That was the last straw for today. Yuzuru punched him so hard in the arm, Javier almost fell off the bed and had to put one foot down on the floor to keep his balance. "You really think you are only person in the world who has sex, yes?"

Javier wasn't quite prepared for this kind of rage. "Are you crazy?"

"Last week you get upset because of simple kiss. And now you think I must be happy because you get hard-on?" The word had barely left Yuzuru's lips when Javier burst into laughter. "You find this funny?"

"No, but..." Javier really struggled to keep his cool, but he just couldn't. "You can't remember the word squirrel but you know what hard-on means?"

"I never need that silly word, I don't have to remember that," Yuzuru snapped at him.

"Ohoo, and how often do you need the word hard-on?" 

"Why do you think you know everything about me?" Yuzuru could feel how the agitation started to affect his body, how his breaths became more and more shallow. "Just because I don't tell you every time I sleep with somebody? People don't tell that. Why do you think you are first one in my bed?"

"Oh, I'm sorry I underestimated your great sexual expertise." A highly dismissive laugh left Javier's lips and he didn't even realize how much it heated the anger in Yuzuru's eyes. "Then why the hell do you keep playing hard-to-get?"

"Do you think I'm idiot? You don't know how you feel about this but you tell me it will help you decide if we have sex?"

"It sure as hell wouldn't hurt to try. But if you keep behaving like a little bitch we'll never know, will we?" 

A moment later Javier already regretted the decision to even open his stupid mouth. Yuzuru jumped up from the bed without a word and vanished into the bathroom. Javier got up as well and picked up the wet towel from the floor, only to press it together and throw it against the wall. Yuzuru came back into the room with a piece of clothing in his hand. He grabbed Javier by the wrist and pulled him towards the door.

"Come on, can't we just..." Javier tried to save the situation, but he didn't get any further. Yuzuru had already shoved him out into the hallway. Javier looked back at Yuzuru who was standing in the doorway. He was wheezing and his chest kept heaving unsteadily. Javier had never seen such anger in his face before. He didn't see anything anymore when his shirt came flying directly at his face at high speed, and then he only heard the door slam shut with a deafening bang.


	4. Remains

When Javier came back to the room that night, Alex was sitting on the bed with his computer on his lap. "Wow, that was fast. I guess all that practice finally pays off, huh? No more pleasantries, you just get right to the point." He didn't get an answer. "Why are you barefoot?"

Javier looked down on himself. He hadn't even realized that he wasn't wearing his sneakers. Crap, those were still in Yuzuru's bathroom. But he couldn't care less about that right now. "I'm going to bed."

"What, your own? I thought on your last night you'd be gone until..." Javier didn't even look at Alex as he dragged himself over to his bed and got in without bothering to change his clothes. Alex kept staring at Javier's back after he had already pulled the covers up to his nose. He should probably just leave it alone. "So... did you storm out or get kicked out?"

Javier would've rather eaten his bedcovers than talked about this, but finally he mumbled, "It wasn't exactly my idea to leave."

"Meh, don't worry," Alex tried to cheer him up the best he could. "It can't be that bad. Sleep on it and apologize tomorrow."

 

Sleeping on it might've been an option, but unfortunately sleep wasn't really an issue for Javier. The whole night he kept tossing and turning in his bed, running that stupid fight through his head back and forth. But when morning came, he still felt lost. He got up, got dressed, started to pack his bags. He still had to catch a plane this afternoon. But after all, Alex was right. He at least had to try to apologize before he left.

As Javier walked towards Yuzuru's room, he could already see from afar that his sneakers were standing in front of the door. Great, message received. He obviously didn't want him to have an excuse to just drop by. Javier stood in front of the door, raised his arm and took one last deep breath before he knocked. He waited. But there was no answer. He knocked again, but nothing happened.

Javier let his forehead sink against the door. "Are you in there?" He didn't even know if he was speaking loud enough to be heard on the other side. "Come on, open up. Please. I want to apologize." He was pretty sure that he'd heard a noise from inside the room, but the door still wouldn't open. He put his right hand in his back pocket and took out the key card. He held it over the sensor and after a little while pushed it down. A green little dot lit up. He heard a silent buzz. And walked away.

 

When Javier trudged back into his room, Alex was still busy packing his suitcase. He'd been on a shopping spree with his sister and they'd bought so much new stuff, there was a good chance he might need a new bag as well. "Back already?" Instead of an answer he only got a half-hearted growl. "Now you don't look happy at all."

"Great observation, thanks for letting me know."

"He's still mad at you?"

Javier shrugged and took a deep breath. "I guess."

"You guess?"

"He wouldn't open the door."

Alex put down the shirt that he was just about to stuff into the side pocket of his already bulging suitcase. "What the hell did you do to him?"

"I don't know, I..." So far Alex had refrained from asking stupid questions. Why on earth did he have to start now? "I have to finish packing." Javier dropped the shoes he was still carrying on the floor, went over to his bed and started to put the rest of his belongings into a backpack. Only seconds later he practically froze in place when there was a knock on the door. 

Alex waited another moment, but since Javier didn't look like he was planning on going anywhere, he finally opened the door himself. He didn't even bother to say hello. "Well, I just thought it might be you." Alex grabbed his jacket from the chair. "Why don't I give you a minute and..."

"No, thank you. You don't have to leave," Yuzuru said with his usual pleasant demeanor and bowed slightly. "I don't need much time." He stepped into the room and looked over to Javier, who was still standing motionless in front of his bed and clinging to his backpack. "You must leave already?" Yuzuru asked calmly.

It was weird. Or rather, not weird at all. He was completely composed and didn't sound the least bit angry or anxious. "No, I..." Javier tried to let go of his bag, but his fingers only clenched the fabric even tighter. "I still have some time."

"Good. We should go to my room." Yuzuru was wearing his default smile. "And then you can fuck me."

 

For a brief moment it was so quiet, one could've heard a piece of fluff fall down on the floor. Then Alex's chuckling broke the silence. "I just remembered, I really need to be... anywhere but here." In passing he gave Javier a pitying look, but as soon as the door had closed behind him, they could hear him burst out laughing in the hallway.

Javier had finally managed to let go of his bag and came towards him with an air of complete bewilderment all over his face. "What the hell was that?"

"I give you what you want." Yuzuru still sounded completely cool and relaxed.

"Nobody wants what you just did."

"So you don't want to go to my room?"

"I sure as hell don't."

"Okay. Alex is gone, you can fuck me here."

"No, I meant..."

"Or you want me to fuck you?"

Javier wrung his hands. "Would you please stop talking like that?"

"Why, do I still sound like little bitch?" Yuzuru was starting to lose his casual attitude and moved on to spitefulness. 

Javier was by now ready to go in the same direction. "You know, I'm really sorry I said that yesterday, I mean it." He heard the words leave his mouth, but he knew very well how dishonest they sounded at that very moment. "But what you're doing here is just ridiculous."

"So when I say no to fucking I'm little bitch, and when I say yes to fucking I'm ridiculous?"

"That fact that you _say_ fucking at all creeps me totally out, so stop it!"

"I didn't think you will have problem with _fucking_." There was no way he could've emphasized that word any more without holding up a big, blinking sign. "Last night all you wanted was _fucking_ me."

Javier gave up. He was obviously intent on driving him crazy with his choice of words. "I don't know what you think you heard last night, but I never actually said anything about... fucking you." Dammit. Javier was well aware how stupid it must look that he was barely able to say that out loud.

"Oh really? Okay." For a change it was Yuzuru who now had the most condescending look on his face. "Then tell me. What did you want?"

Javier wasn't exactly prepared for a follow-up question on that topic. The longer it took him to answer, the more provoking Yuzuru's stare seemed to become. "I don't know," he finally replied with much more confidence than was justified for this kind of answer. "Something." 

Yuzuru rolled his eyes and didn't even try to hide his contempt. "And you treat _me_ like little child," he said with a strained voice and without even looking at Javier. "You really are idiot."

"I don't get you anymore. Last night you almost ripped my head off and now you put on a show like you're... Why the hell is it such a problem that I wanted to... you know, do stuff?"

"Because it's _only_ thing you want!" Yuzuru looked like he was ready to hit him once again.

"That's just not true."

"Yes, is true. You don't want to find out if you like me, you only want to find out if you maybe like _fucking_ me."

"I just told you, that is not what..." Javier couldn't keep his feet still anymore and started to move in circles. "Is this because I don't want to tell people about this?"

Yuzuru groaned with irritation and rolled his eyes so far back, they almost got stuck in his head. "I don't care if you tell people, I never tell people. This is private and not for other people."

"Then what the hell is your problem?"

"I _like_ you, that is problem!" Javier wanted to reply something, but Yuzuru cut him off with the wave of a hand. He needed a moment to pull himself together. "Yes, I make stupid bet with Kana and it was good excuse to kiss you." He was no longer yelling or nagging. But the quieter he spoke, the shakier his voice became. "And I thought I maybe can try, because maybe you can like me too. But you only want secret fuck toy. I told you, don't think so much and trust feelings for this. But I thought maybe try feelings that are not only in your fucking dick."

Javier closed his eyes, took an extra deep breath and said as calmly as possible, "Can you... _please_... stop talking like that? It's driving me crazy. I can't listen to you anymore." He knew that he owed Yuzuru a lot more answers than that, but he found it impossible to think of any other words at the moment.

Yuzuru had stopped talking. He looked at Javier with tired eyes until he also couldn’t bare that anymore and dropped his gaze. "This was mistake," he said very quietly and with his fake smile. Javier could spot that one from a mile away. "I should not have started this. I will stop now."

Javier wasn't quite sure what he'd just heard. "Um... okay, what's that supposed to mean?" 

"It only gets more bad. We will not do this anymore."

Javier felt that he should follow him when Yuzuru turned to leave, but his legs refused to move. "So, that's it? You decide that this is over and I get no say in it?" 

"Don't worry." Yuzuru didn't look back even once before he walked out the door. "You'll be fine. Nothing really happened."


	5. Carried Away

With a scarcely audible click the door had snapped shut and Javier was standing alone in the middle of the room. He tried to grasp what had just happened, but his brain didn't have the decency to work properly and instead just made his thoughts spin out of control. For a moment he considered running after him. But then what? He looked over to the bed and remembered that he still had to pack. Again he started to put his belongings into the backpack. Next thing he knew, the whole thing was flying across the room, crashing against the wall and half of its content scattered across the floor. Javier looked at his trembling hands and then at the mess on the floor at the far end of the room. He had no idea how that had just happened. Javier's heart nearly stopped when there was a knock on the door. This couldn't really be happening. There was another knock, this time louder. Angrier. Hesitantly he opened and was greeted by two dark eyes that were glaring at him angrily. This had just turned into his very personal nightmare.

"What the hell did you do?"

"What are you doing here?"

"Oh, I only came by to tell you about this absolutely fabulous thing that just happened to me." Maia pushed him aside and rolled into the room, together with her two giant suitcases. "I was coming here to pick up Alex because we have to get to the airport." She had some trouble coordinating her arms between her wild gestures and her attempts to handle the seemingly pretty heavy luggage. "But just when I got out of the elevator I ran into this really cute Japanese boy." If looks could kill, Javier would've dropped dead on the spot. "Only he didn't look all that cute anymore, you know, with all those tears running down his face." She accidentally pushed over one of the bags and struggled to get it back up again while she kept harping at him. "He told me that he had a fight with some _assface_ who must've looked an awful lot like you. Which brings me back to my question: What the hell did..."

She had talked herself into such frenzy that it had taken her until now to really look at Javier for the first time. He was standing at the closed door with a blank stare, his hand still clasping the door handle so tight that his knuckles started to lose color. This almost pitiful sight managed to dial her rage down to mere annoyance. "What happened?"

"Nothing."

Maia rolled her eyes, pulled out her phone and tapped around on it. "We've been down the nothing-happened-road before, and we both know that it was complete bullshit." 

"This is really none of your business." 

"I'm being angry on his behalf. Deal with it."

"I can't believe he even told you."

"Oh please, he didn't tell me anything besides the fact that you had a fight. And only because I made him."

"And you just have to know everything about everybody, of course."

Maia let her phone sink and went back to staring at him angrily. "He stood alone in the middle of the hallway and was crying. What was I supposed to do? Just walk by and wave hello? Oh, sorry, I forgot, you're an _assface_ , that's probably exactly what you would've done. After all you're the one who made him cry."

"You don't even know what happened."

"Well, let's see. _Yuzu_ was _sobbing_ \- and _you_ have been in need of some serious anger management therapy for some time now. If one plus one still equals _assface_ , I don't think we have to call Sherlock to solve this mystery."

"It's not my fault that he always starts crying over everything."

"Sure, that's a given. _Nothing_ is ever your fault." She nodded in the direction of the mess in the corner. "I'm guessing that's also not your fault, right? What did you do, throw stuff at him?"

"Are you nuts?"

"No, but you obviously are."

"You know what, believe what you want. I really don't care." 

He went over to pick up his things from the floor, when the door flew open and Alex rushed back in. "Whoa, what did I miss? Maia texted me that you've trashed the room."

Javier rolled his eyes and growled at her, "You think you might have exaggerated a bit?" 

"It was close enough, and I knew he'd be back here way faster if I wrote that."

"You need backup to gang up on me or what?"

"What the hell happened?" Alex chimed in, feeling more than just a little out of the loop. 

"Excellent question, I asked him the same thing five minutes ago."

"Nothing happened."

"Looks like your assface buddy here had a fight with his boyfriend and went ballistic."

"Not that it's any of your business but that," Javier pointed at his backpack before he finally got down on the floor to pick everything up, "happened after he was already gone."

"Good to know that your rage issues are only directed against things and not..."

"Why are you even here?" Alex interrupted her before she could finish her latest insult.

"I came to pick you up and then..."

"Maybe you better wait for me in the lobby before your own rage issues get the better of you."

Maia had already taken a deep breath to protest, but Alex stopped her with one look. With an angry hissing noise she pressed the air out through her teeth and grabbed her suitcases. "Fine, I'm tired of looking at his stupid assface anyway." She almost ran Alex over with a suitcase on her way out, and they could still hear her ranting in the hallway after the door had already closed. 

Javier sighed with relief. "Thank you." He had never meant those words more earnest than right now.

"No problem, I know how she can get in cases like this." Javier just nodded with a forced smile and went over to his bed to put the last few things into his backpack. After the little spectacle he'd just witnessed, Alex expected at least a little more than complete silence. "I take it that your conversation didn't have the, um... 'happy ending' that Yuzu suggested."

Javier almost ripped out the zipper of his bag. "This isn't even remotely funny."

"Sorry." Alex tried to pull himself together, but he just couldn’t and his lips turned more and more into a grin. "It was kinda funny when I left and I don't know the rest of the story."

"There is no rest of any story. That thing is over and done and I really wish that people would just mind their own business and leave me alone. Why is it so hard for you all to just butt out?"

Javier looked over to him when he didn't get another nagging question, but Alex just stood there with raised eyebrows and shook his head. "You really need to learn how to talk to people."

"Thank you, I had enough talking for one day."

"And at some point you have to stop pissing everybody off." Alex calmly patted him on the shoulder before he went to get his bags. "Because if you keep this crap up for much longer, even I will lose patience."

Javier zipped up his backpack and threw it over to his suitcase which was standing at the end of his bed. "Look, I'm sorry. But do me a favor and give it a rest. The last thing I need right now is another guy running from my room crying."

"Seriously? You made him cry?"

"Like making him cry was such a challenge. The guy is a total crybaby and tears up for the stupidest reasons."

"Geez, man. Do you even hear yourself? There's zero filter between your brain and your mouth. It's like you're trying to mess everything up on purpose." Alex strapped on his backpack and grabbed his suitcase. "I'm gonna leave now before you say something that really pisses me off."

Alex was already halfway out the door when Javier found it in himself to respond. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah, whatever. I guess I'm not the one you should be apologizing to right now."

 

Javier decided to go to the airport right away, although he still had several hours until his flight. But all he wanted to do was run away - and so he did exactly that. The next few days he tried his best not to think about it. And there was more than enough distraction. He was surrounded by family and friends, he had things planned with them and they had things they wanted to do with him. He was quite busy in his attempts to make everyone happy. But come nightfall, all those distractions were gone. He was lying alone in his bed, staring into the dark, trying really hard not to think about it - until all he could do was to think about not thinking about him. And one night he had enough. He took his cell phone from the nightstand and wrote an email.

 

_"I just wanted to let you know that I'm pretty pissed at you. We could at least have talked about this. It's not like you really gave me a chance here. If you weren't happy about things, you could've just said something. I'm not a mind reader! How was I supposed to know what you think? And how was I supposed to know that you take this whole thing so damn seriously? We hooked up for a week, that's it. What did you expect, a proposal? It's not like this is all my fault. And then you just run away. And on your way out you just had to tell Maia, of all the people in the world you had to tell her. Seriously, I'm more than pissed. I should be the one demanding an apology."_

 

He didn't think twice before he sent it, he meant every word of it. 

When he woke up the next morning, the first thing he did was to reach for his phone and check his emails. Spam, spam, Alex, spam, Brian, spam. Maia? Dear God, why did he ever give her his contact information. More spam, more Brian, more spam. Over 20 messages, but no answer from him. Javier didn't even bother to read the rest.

It went on like this for the next few days. At some point every night he got anxious and restless. Once he couldn't stash his thoughts away in his head anymore, he'd put them into another email. The next day he'd spend doing whatever. There was always something. He had several media events scheduled, one was pretty much like the other. As long as he was present, it didn't matter all that much where his mind was. From time to time he'd check his emails, without finding anything. So at night he'd write another one.

 

_"Really? Still no answer? How long do you think you can go through with this? I know you, you always have a comment for everything. I bet you're dying to say something right now."_

 

But he didn't get an answer to any of his messages. Pretty soon he didn't just write him at night. Whenever a thought popped into his head during the day, he pulled out his phone and mindlessly blurted it out via email.

 

_"Seriously, what do you think will happen? We have to see each other again, you can't avoid me forever. How is this supposed to go on when we're back at training?"_

_"This is ridiculous."_

_"And you were wondering why I didn't take you seriously? Stop acting like a five-year-old who threatens to hold his breath until he gets what he wants!"_

_"Not that I would know what you want, because you don’t think it’s necessary to tell me."_

_"If you don't answer me anytime soon, I will just stop writing. I mean it."_

_"I give up!!! I don't understand you! I tried, but I don't!"_

_"I honestly can't do this anymore. I can't spend my whole day thinking about ways to apologize to you!"_

_"I already said that I was sorry. How often do you need to hear that?"_

_"Maybe you should just tell me what I have to do. But for that you would have to stop your silent-treatment. So I guess that is out of the question?"_

_"You know this is driving me crazy, don't you???"_

_"I'm going back to Toronto tomorrow. Just for a week, to work on the new programs. Should I already ask them to change my training schedule so you don't have to see me? Or do you think you'll grow up until your return and will be able to handle me?"_

_"Seriously, you have to talk to me."_

_"Really? Still nothing?"_

_"By the way, I'm aware that you still know how to write an email. Alex told me you apologized for your little stunt at the hotel."_

_"This is childish. We're adults, we should be able to work this out."_

_"I decided to stop being mad at you."_

_"The blond lady at the coffee shop asked about you. Not the first one. They miss you around here."_

_"If you wanted to punish me, you can stop now. Mission accomplished."_

_"I picked the music for my new short program. Brian said they sent you files, but you still need convincing. He asked me to talk to you. I said I would."_

_"I'm going back to Spain for a few days. Lots of appointments, not sure how much time I'll have to write you."_

_"Not sure you want me to write you anyway."_

_"I really wish you would answer me. How long is this supposed to go on?"_

_"Heading back to Toronto tomorrow."_

_"I already said that I was sorry. I don't know what else I can do."_

_"I know you will be back soon. I need you to start talking to me again."_

 

But it didn't matter how many emails he wrote, he never got an answer. It had been four weeks now since he'd left Japan and he had to hear it from Brian, who mentioned it in passing, that Yuzuru would be back for training in three days. When he got home that night, Javier pulled out his laptop and started to write. And then he deleted it. He started anew, only to delete that one as well. He did it again. And again. And again.

He didn't send any emails that night. He had to get it right at least once, and the words just weren't there yet. He was distracted at practice the next day and pretty much everything that could possibly go wrong went wrong big time. Brian wasn't happy with him at all. It took Javier another day to finish his letter. He still wasn't sure if he got it right. It was probably stupid. It sure sounded stupid. And maybe he said all the wrong things. But it was the best he could come up with.

 

_"I'm not sure if you still read any of my messages. I hope you do. I hope you're at least willing to listen to me. This is not a first draft, there were quite a few before it. Some of them were pretty good. Some even pretty funny, you would've liked my jokes. But I don't think this is funny anymore. So I'll just try to be honest. And honestly: I still don't get you. I've wracked my brain and tried to figure this out, but I just don't get it._

_I've been a complete douchebag, I know that. I said things to you I shouldn't have said and I'm really sorry for that. I'm really sorry that I hurt you. But I'm done groveling. There are only so many ways for me to apologize, and it doesn't even make any sense as long as you're not talking to me._

_I understand that you had feelings for me before this thing with us started, and that I was probably the last one to know. But that doesn't mean that I don't care about you. You know that I do. At least you should know. If at least our friendship means anything to you, you'll give us the chance to get over this._

_I miss you terribly. But I hate how you handle this. You have to meet me half way. I'd like to make this right, but I can only do that if you let me."_

 

The following day Javier received an answer.

_"See you tomorrow before practice. I wait at bus stop."_


	6. Late

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

Javier almost smashed his head in at the sink when he tried to put on his jeans while brushing his teeth. Unbelievable. All night he'd been tossing and turning and couldn't get a wink of sleep, but shortly before he had to get up, he finally fell asleep and slept right through his alarm. Really? Today, that just had to happen _today_?  
He somehow managed to get dressed without killing himself and then almost ran out the door with the toothbrush still in his mouth. Two minutes later he actually had to go back up the stairs because he'd forgotten the bag with his training equipment. Great, there went another train he wouldn't be able to catch. 

Javier nearly fell asleep standing up in the subway. He was already super late, but maybe he should make a quick stop at the coffee shop and get about ten cups of espresso. Preferably injected intravenously. The subway station where he had to transfer to the bus was even more crowded than usual, causing him to miss yet another ride. Could this day get any more perfect? Yuzuru had to be at the rink by now. Javier had absolutely zero desire to be surrounded by all those people when he would finally see him again after a month. He sure as hell didn't want an audience for that. But obviously it was about time to kiss that plan goodbye.

Finally the bus arrived at the stop across the street of the Club. Javier jumped out and started to run. He had almost reached the door, but nearly fell over his own two feet when out of nowhere a familiar voice yelled after him.

"You're late."

All Javier could do was shake his head in disbelief when he saw Yuzuru, who was sitting on a little bench at some distance from the entrance, with his legs casually thrown over his trolley bag. "What are you doing here?" He went over to him, still not believing what he saw.

Yuzuru leaned both elbows onto his knees and let his hands wave from left to right. "I like to watch bus come and go and come and go and come and..."

"How long have you been sitting here?"

Yuzuru made a face and shrugged. "I saw bus a lot."

"Why didn't you just go in? You hate being late."

Yuzuru tapped with one hand on the seat next to him. "I told you, I wanted to see you before practice." 

Javier put his bag aside and hesitantly sat down. "I'm so sorry, I wanted to be here sooner, but..." 

"I want to apologize."

Javier wasn't sure if he'd heard that quite right. "Excuse me, you what now?"

"I'm sorry that I stop talking to you. I do that when I get angry."

Somehow this wasn't how Javier had thought it would go. "You had every right to be angry."

"I know that." He couldn't even look at Javier anymore while saying this. "You treated me really bad and said horrible things. And then you keep writing more bad things. I was very angry at you."

Javier couldn't say if he'd ever spoken to him in that tone of voice. He sounded so different. "I can only tell you again how sorry I am about that."

"And I accept apology. But only because you were also not completely wrong to be angry with me. I didn't handle this in good way." He took his legs off the trolley and started to play around with the handle. "I was just afraid that you maybe freak out when I tell you that I like you for long time. But not telling you was bad idea. I'm sorry I made this difficult."

This was definitely not how Javier had pictured this conversation. "Then why didn't you just answer any of my messages and tell me? We could've talked about that." 

"I thought about writing you last week, but I didn’t know what to say."

"Wow, _you_ were lost for words? That’s a first."

Yuzuru only looked at him for a second, but Javier could clearly see that he'd made him angry. Again. It was obviously too soon for stupid jokes. "I made program put your emails away so I don't have to see them." Behind his obviously forced politeness, he sounded deeply pissed. "You were just lucky that I even start reading messages again last week. You keep writing so many mean things, I could not see that, because I know that one time you will write something so mean that I can't..." He vacantly stared at some distant point on the asphalt and only shook his head without ever finishing the sentence.

Javier hadn't really reflected on how many mean-spirited things he must've said in those earlier emails. He moved his hand over and wanted to touch his arm, but Yuzuru automatically shifted away from him. "I'm sorry," he said quietly and pulled his hand back, placing it flat on his thigh. "Then why did you even start reading them again?"

"Because I didn’t think you keep writing so long. I thought you go crazy for a while and then stop. And then we go back to training and forget about it. I know you think different, but... I didn't think it was important to you. Or that you care about me at all." 

Javier tried to keep still but couldn't stop his fingers from nervously scratching his thighs. "Why would you think that? You think I would've kept writing you if it didn't mean anything to me?"

Yuzuru was again fiddling with the retractable handle of his trolley, producing an irritating clicking sound every time it slid up and down. "I did everything you want. You don't want people to know and I don't tell. I make sure that Maia and the others don't tell. I have so much work and I'm so tired, but when you say you want to come be with me, I always make time. And when we have time together, we always do what you want." He pushed the handle into the bag again, much more forceful than before. That noise sure sounded like there was still more than enough anger left in him. "I only want _one_ thing from you. But when you don't get your way, you get angry with me and treat me like garbage."

"I'm sorry, but I'm still not sure what exactly you wanted from me at that point." He put his hand onto Yuzuru's, just for a second and only to stop him from making that obnoxious sound with the handle. "It was only a week, I mean, what did you expect? An 'I love you' or some big romantic gesture or..."

"Of course not," he snapped at him, and with one harsh movement pushed his bag aside so he wouldn't be tempted to play with it anymore. "I only wanted more patience. You never think that you maybe like me this way before I kiss you. But one week later you get angry and mean because I don't want to sleep with you. And I feel like you just don't care about what I want, you only care about you. So I think that maybe we should just forget about this one week and be friends again." Yuzuru finally brought himself to lift his head and look Javier straight in the face. "But then you can't even be my friend again and become this person I don't want to know."

Somehow he'd managed to put all the emotions of the last four weeks into one look. All the anger, the disappointment. And so much hurt. Javier felt like his insides were covered in black ice all of a sudden. His body was barely able to produce any sound when he attempted to answer. "I really can't tell you how sorry I am."

"I know, and I accept apology because I also make mistake, but..." Yuzuru closed his eyes and took a deep breath in an attempt to calm himself. He had really tried hard to put those feelings behind him. It wasn't good for him to hold on to this much negativity, and it was also not very productive if he really wanted to forgive Javier. As he exhaled, he tried to let go of the anger that had currently taken hold of him again. When he opened his eyes again, his mind felt a little clearer. "Sorry is not enough. You must make this up to me and be better now." Yuzuru could already feel the sadness creep up inside of him again and wanted to avert his gaze, but forced himself not to break eye contact. "I want that person back you were before. The one I liked."

Something resembling a twitchy smile played around the corners of Javier's mouth, but the entire look on his face didn't make much sense. He only nodded rapidly, let his head hang and stared at the floor. It wasn’t exactly the answer Yuzuru would've liked, but it was still better than most of the things he'd actually heard and read from him over the last weeks. And he didn't expect Javier to just start saying all the right things at the right moment. He knew better than that. "We maybe go in before Brian gets heart attack because we're so late."

 

When Brian saw them walk past the rink, he skated over to the boars. "What an honor, how nice of you to join us." The way he looked at Javier did not bode well. "That's the third time this week, mister. Are you developing a bad habit?"

"I'm sorry." Yuzuru made several bows and put on his apologetic puppy-face. "It's my fault, I make him be late. I'm sorry."

Javier only smiled sheepishly when Brian gave him a questioning look. Then he just nodded in the direction of the changing rooms and skated back to the group that was already in the middle of practice. "You didn't have to lie for me," Javier said almost sulkily when they entered the empty changing room.

"It was easier this way. You want that he's angry too?"

"No," he replied, still somewhat pouting.

They got changed, put their things away and sat down next to each other to tie up their skates. As usual Javier was done well before Yuzuru. He could turn everything into a science and had this whole procedure for tying up his skates. It always took him forever, but Javier waited patiently. He watched his long, slender fingers move almost gracefully, twirling and pulling the laces until they were in the right position. It was rather irritating, but also fascinating to look at. Javier leaned against the wall and stared at Yuzuru's back. "Your shirt's dirty," he mumbled absently and started to pick off some fluff. "Why did you really start reading my emails again?"

Yuzuru stopped abruptly in the middle of his movement, but then immediately carried on. "I told you."

"Yes, but that wasn't all, I could hear it." He stopped plucking at the fabric of his shirt and gently stroked Yuzuru's back before he took his hand away again. "What was it?"

Yuzuru took his time and calmly finished tying the first knot. "Because I'm idiot." He actually sounded like he was mad at himself. "Because I hoped maybe you stop being crazy and are nice again."

"But that's what I did, isn't it?"

"Yes." For a moment he turned his head sideways. "I was just lucky too," he mumbled against his own shoulder and went back to his skate.

"So... what now? We just forget what happened and try again?"

"No!" The answer came alarmingly fast and determined. Yuzuru finished the last knot and sat up straight. Javier swallowed hard and for a moment actually forgot how to breathe. Was that 'no' a definitive answer or was there something more to come. Judging by the look on his face, both possibilities seemed equally likely. "You can't just forget. When you forget mistakes, you make them again." Once more he closed his eyes for a moment and breathed out his agitation. "And you can't be like that again, because next time..."

"I know." Javier reached for Yuzuru's hand, and this time he didn't pull away from him.

They took a moment until it felt like the conversation was actually over, but then Yuzuru abruptly unlinked their fingers. "We must go to training or Brian will kill us." Without further ado he got up and rushed off. He had already opened the door when he looked over his shoulder and saw that Javier was still sitting on the bench. "You come?"

"Can I ask for one thing before we go out there?" Yuzuru closed the door, leaned against it and silently raised his eyebrows. Javier walked over and stopped an arm's length away from him because he didn't want to make him feel cornered. "Can I get a hug?" 

The few seconds it took Yuzuru to react felt like an eternity. There was hardly any movement in his face that would've indicated how he felt about this suggestion. Then he attempted a smile, one his eyes couldn't support yet, but he nodded and opened his arms. Javier carefully placed his arms around him, like he was afraid to actually turn this into a real hug. But not a moment later he pulled him towards himself, one arm firmly around Yuzuru's waist, the other one running up his back, settling between his shoulders, holding him so tight in his embrace that he felt he should be more careful to not accidentally break him. 

Yuzuru could feel Javier's unshaved cheek scratching his face and heard a sigh of relief echo in his ear. As he tenderly stroked his back, he mumbled some words in Spanish, words Yuzuru couldn't understand but was sure he'd never heard from him before. When Javier wouldn't let go of him on his own, Yuzuru carefully made him loosen his embrace and Javier reluctantly stepped back again.

Yuzuru shook his head, put one hand on Javier's prickly cheek and finally smiled at him like only he could. "You really are idiot."


	7. Turn the Page

Over the next weeks they spent more time around the Club than they usually would because it was just more sensible this way. It was the one place where they both had to be every day, and otherwise they would've wasted hours travelling between their homes, although neither of them had too much extra time to spare. Of course they both had to adapt their schedules quite a bit, but somehow they made it happen. As usual Yuzuru was the one with the crazy workload, and they didn't always find as much time for each other as they might've wanted. But Yuzuru was too disciplined to let things slide, and Javier certainly wouldn't have wanted him to do anything like that. Besides, it wasn't like they both felt the need to revolve around each other all the time, and they already spent half their lives together during training.

Javier wouldn't have minded if they had spent a little more time at his place, but they had talked about it and agreed to cut out the overnight stays for now. Which was probably a good thing. Maybe that was part of the problem. That this thing had more or less started by them ending up in bed together. It was good that they took some speed out of it. This decision had pretty much sealed the fact that their current level of intimacy would be reduced to a minimum, and Javier did see his point. If taking it super slowly was what Yuzuru ultimately wanted from him right now, he could absolutely do that. Done deal. No problem whatsoever. 

And still, there were those little things that made everything a tiny bit confusing, not to mention a real health hazard. Like when they had lunch together the other day and Yuzuru casually dropped that, just to be on the safe side, they'd both have to get an updated STD test. Javier nearly choked on a piece of carrot. Whatever happened to showing some good old-fashioned restraint in public? If Javier's head didn't know that this suggestion was actually the smart thing to do, the rest of his body might've had some trouble coming to terms with this seemingly conflicting information.

But all in all they weren't in a bad place right now, and Javier was surprised how smooth the transition was and how quickly they had almost gotten back to... well, whatever the hell they used to be before he came down with this sudden case of dickish insanity. The first few days they didn't even really plan or do anything in particular. They hung out whenever they found the time, usually somewhere at the Club. And then they'd just talk, about the most trivial and silly things, the kind of random stuff they had always talked and joked about. 

Yuzuru told him about all the great things he'd done and seen over the past weeks in Japan. Half of it didn't even register with Javier, he was just glad to see him like this again. Talking with his hands and feet, telling things over and over again until he had found the right word or gesture to convey the feelings he wanted to describe. Throwing in some Japanese phrases from time to time without even realizing the slip-up because he was so engaged in his storytelling. And sometimes just sitting there in silence, forgoing spoken languages all together, saying everything he wanted to with nothing more than a look and a smile. Those stories were Javier's favorites.

And then there was the evening when the two of them were the last one's at the rink, all alone in the changing room, packing up their things and ready to leave. When Yuzuru took him by the hand and led him to the far end of the room, where they'd definitely be out of sight, even if suddenly the entire membership of the Club came bursting through the door. Yuzuru palmed Javier's face with both hands and studied every feature carefully before he leaned in and kissed him. Up until then they had barely touched, not counting the occasional hug, but the next thing that happened was the complete opposite of what Javier had expected. They weren't all over each other within seconds, there was no sheer rush of lust, no clothing flying around or eager hands wandering over naked skin. It was like they kissed for the first time, but it was nothing like that odd first kiss in the hotel room when Yuzuru pressed their faces together just for the sake of it. It felt like they had never been this close to each other before and had to handle every gentle touch with extreme care. Javier decided to replace that first memory with this one.

 

After that their meetings would be a little more planned and a lot less public. They had spotted a few hideaways on the premises of the Club where they could be together for a while without being bothered by other people. The whole sneaking around sure felt weird at times. But if people knew about this, it would probably just make everything more complicated. There were already enough complications, they really didn't need that on top of everything else. And after all, it was kind of exciting to have a secret like this. At least that is what Javier liked to tell himself. 

Whenever the weather would allow it, like today, they'd just slink off to a nearby park, which was only a few streets over from the Club. Here they'd always find a place far away from the eyes of others. Javier was sitting in the grass, leaning with his back against a tree. Yuzuru was sitting between his bent legs right in front of him, although he was less sitting up and more lying down on Javier's upper body, with his head rested on Javier's shoulder. Yuzuru was lost in a book he had brought. He was behind on his studies and needed to catch up with his reading. Javier didn't mind. At least they got to spend some alone time together, he didn't need a full-time entertainer. 

"My mother asked me to say hello to you," Yuzuru mumbled while scribbling something on the pages with a pencil."

"Um, okay... thanks... but I just saw her yesterday at the rink."

"For ten seconds and then you run away." He took the little note pad Javier was holding for him and made some more notes. "She thinks you avoid her."

"Why would she think that?"

Yuzuru slightly pricked him in the thigh with the pencil point. "Because you avoid her."

Okay, so maybe he had a point there. Javier hadn't really thought that anyone would notice. He'd always had some friendly talks with his mother when she came to the rink, but it's not like he'd ever spent a serious amount of time with her. And now things were different. "I didn't mean to be rude or anything, it's just... I'm a little uncomfortable when she's around."

"She's just my mother."

"That's kinda the point. She's your mother."

Yuzuru stopped his writing for a second, then finished the last characters before he placed pad and pencil in Javier's hand again. "You meet family of girlfriends, yes?" He didn't get an answer, but he could feel the embarrassed stare on top of his head. It didn't even sound like an accusation of any kind, but still Javier wondered if it was maybe meant as one. 

Javier laid the pad on his thigh and put his wrist on it to hold it in place. After a while Yuzuru could see from the corner of his eye that Javier started to write something on the edge of the paper. He didn't look directly, but he kept peeking over to see what he was doing. It didn't take him very long to understand and then the inevitable smile appeared. 

The lines were crude and many of them simply wrong, but he'd seen enough bad handwriting to recognize his own name in kanji when he saw it. This was completely ridiculous and just incredibly silly and so very juvenile. And yet also really adorable, because Yuzuru knew exactly how Javier felt about those, in his words, strange hieroglyphic symbols that had to be painted like abstract art and made even lesser sense to him. Yuzuru didn't know if Javier had caught him staring or if he'd just given up, but in the end he painted a big black blob over his failed writing attempt. Neither of them would lose a word about this.

"Did you tell your mother?"

"About what?"

"About... us."

"You told your mother every time you have new girl?"

"God no!"

Yuzuru giggled softly and stroked Javier's leg with one hand while the other one firmly held on to the book he was still reading. A few more minutes in silence passed until Javier finally spoke up again. "Did you ever bring anybody home to meet your family?"

"Not like that, no."

"But they know that you..." He didn't even know how to finish that sentence.

"They know." Yuzuru reached back with his free hand and patted Javier's cheek. "Don't worry, I don't tell about you. I promise." And with that he took the pencil from his hand and went straight back to marking something in his book.

This kind of conversation had actually taken place quite often lately. Javier sometimes needed a few moments to collect his thoughts and consider if he really wanted to ask certain things, or if it was better to just keep his stupid trap shut and leave the matter be. It's not like his brainless yakking hadn't already created enough problems in the past. Yuzuru's mind on the other hand worked like a switchboard. He had no trouble to constantly shift between studying and chatting, it didn't seem to break his concentration in the slightest. So whenever Javier took his time to think things through, he would simply go back to his books. It might've been unusual, but right now it worked for them.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

Javier leaned down and buried his nose in Yuzuru's hair. "How many people have you slept with?"

It took quite a while before he answered. "I don't know. I stopped counting."

Javier almost dropped the note pad. " _Excuse me?_ " He coughed huskily, trying to get rid of the strands of hair he'd accidentally inhaled. He had temporarily forgotten how to breathe properly while his brain was busy putting a whole new spin on that STD test remark.

"I'm kidding," Yuzuru finally mumbled through his giggles. "Why do you ask?"

"I don't know." Javier fumbled around the corner of his mouth where he could still feel a hair being stuck. "It's like you said, I told you all that stuff about me, but I never asked you about it. I don't even know if you ever had a... girlfriend, boyfriend, I don't know."

Yuzuru took the pencil from Javier to make one last short note, then put it between the pages and closed the book on it. He leaned his head back onto Javier's shoulder and stared into the sky, letting his eyes wander over the scattered clouds. "A few. But there was never time for real relationship. Not like I want."

"Anybody I know?"

"Maybe, but I think not."

His answers where so reserved that Javier wasn't sure if he should keep pushing it. But his curiosity got the better of him. "Last fall you've spent quite a lot of time with that guy from..."

"Yes, that happened," Yuzuru cut him off grumbling, and Javier could feel how he tensely rolled his shoulders, "but don't ask about him."

"Why not?"

"Because he was stupid mistake and I don't want to tell you."

Javier was actually quite relieved that he was obviously not the only one who'd made a few questionable choices in the past. "Seriously now, you really never slept with Kana?"

"Ewww, no!" There it was again, that weird squeaking voice he'd also made when the question had come up for the first time. "Why you keep asking, it's so... ewww, no!"

Okay, one more point for the relief pile. Make that two points. Maybe factor in the +3 valuation for the extremely convincing delivery and he could round it up to an even 20 points. The very thought that Kanako might not be 100% in the friendship zone upset Javier to no end. The idea alone that she might've touched him like... there was no way he could finish that thought without going insane.

"What about that girl you wanted me to meet so badly during the ice shows that one year, what was her name... Aiko? You two seemed pretty close back then."

"We were." Javier couldn't really see much of Yuzuru's face because he had turned it slightly away from him, but his voice sounded rather whimsical. Little did he know that Yuzuru was just trying to hide the sudden flash of irritation on his face. Of all the people they had met over the last years, why did he remember those two? "But I didn't sleep with her. We only did that one time. But that wasn't really sleeping with her. She just did that. But that still counts, so maybe yes."

"You've lost me."

Yuzuru leaned sideways and looked up at Javier. "I forget word for it." He relaxed his jaw and rhythmically pushed his tongue against the inside of his cheek several times.

"Oh... um, yeah... that definitely counts." Javier raised his eyebrows and forced a grin on his face. "Well... lucky you, I guess."

Yuzuru tilted his head a little further to the side and kept blinking at him. "What was that word?" he asked with the familiar look of open curiosity on his face.

Sometimes Javier felt like a walking dictionary, and he didn't always particularly enjoy it. "Um... that would be blowjob." He rolled his eyes when Yuzuru pressed his lips together in the middle, but still couldn't stop the corners from moving practically behind his ears. "You just wanted to hear me say that, didn't you?"

"It's so cute that you ask questions but never want to say words."

"I'm glad you're having fun." 

He leaned down and kissed him in hopes that this would end the conversation or at the very least stop this giggling, which made him feel more uncomfortable than anything else. Well, not really, but it was still unsettling. Fortunately Yuzuru went straight back to his book without teasing him any further. 

When Yuzuru had accused him of never thinking about him _that way_ before they first kissed, he wasn't even close to the truth. Up until that point Yuzuru had been some kind of asexual being in Javier's eyes. Of course he knew that Yuzuru had his fair share of fans and admirers, but that was a whole different world, that had absolutely nothing to do with how he saw his training partner and friend. And for him, the words sex and Yuzuru had always been as far away from each other as the earth was from the sun. Sure, they were friends, but he didn't know every detail about his personal life, let alone anything about his love life. Javier never even suspected that Yuzuru might swing that way, or rather, both ways. He had never dropped the slightest hint, at least none that Javier would've noticed. That's why talking to him about sex still felt like the weirdest thing in the world, because they had simply never done it before. Not at all. About anything. Sure as hell nothing as specific as blowjobs.

And now Yuzuru wasn't just a guy he was drawn to - as if that fact alone didn't still raise more than enough questions - but he was a guy who knew about and had done certain things. In the blink of an eye his innocent, chaste friend had become his experienced... whatever. He still couldn't put a name on it. And he didn't even want to try. He just wanted to be with him. Somehow. Why did he have to put a label on that? Just because it's expected that there's a special word for everything? 

All of a sudden Javier was overcome with the wish to just put his arms around the body that was leaning against his chest, to hold it close and not let go until nightfall would force them to leave this place. But somehow he resisted because he didn't want to keep him from his work anymore than he already had. After a while though, Javier started to run his fingers through Yuzuru's hair. His self-restraint certainly had its limits. Again and again he watched the black strands slip through his fingertips one after another, and when it was done he started anew.

Yuzuru let the book sink to his knees and turned his head. "What is it?"

"Nothing." 

"I can hear you think. Tell me."

Javier barely dared to move because Yuzuru's face was now so close to his neck. "Does it bother you that I still think people shouldn't know?"

Yuzuru scratched his nose and picked the book back up. "I told you, I don't care about that."

"Yes, I know what you told me, but... I don't want this to get weird again or that you feel like my dirty little secret or something. You'll just get angry and we'll get in a fight again because you think..."

"Shut up." Yuzuru put his book and the note pad aside, took Javier's arms and wrapped them tightly around his body. "I got angry because I felt you don't care about me," he mumbled, nestling himself further into the embrace. "I don't feel like that now."


	8. Opaque

Javier was sitting in the lounge next to the rink, watching the other skaters through the window. Though in actuality he was just watching this one particular skater, and it didn't hide very well that he couldn't take his eyes off of him. It took him a little while to realize that by now Brian was sitting in the chair next to him. "You know, Javier, it's okay if you want to keep this a secret for now," he said rather quietly so maybe not everybody would hear him right away, "but then you should be a little more _secretive_ about it."

Javier looked at him with his eyes opened wide and shook his head. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Yes, you do. And you're being a complete idiot if you think that I'm the only one who has noticed."

"Really, I don't..."

"You mind if we take this to my office? I'd like to talk to you if you have a moment."

Javier was well aware that this wasn't really a question. The office door had barely closed behind him when Javier wanted to protest again, but Brian pointed at one of the chairs without saying a word and Javier sat down while Brian leaned against the corner of his desk right in front of him. "Do you really believe that nobody just saw how you looked through that window?" he said with a nod in the direction of the ice rink, and it started to dawn on Javier.

"Oh... so this is about..."

"Yes, genius, about you and your boyfriend."

"He's not my..."

"I don't care what you call it."

"But how did you..."

"The better question would be: how did anybody not? The only thing you two haven't done by now is make out in the middle of the rink." Javier didn't know what to say. Like it would matter since he got cut off in midsentence all the time anyway. "Look, I usually don't interfere with my students' personal lives and normally I wouldn't say anything." Javier could already hear a big, fat _but_ coming his way. "But you really need to get a grip on yourself. Your personal life is none of my business, but this relationship is affecting your skating and that makes it my business."

"It doesn't affect anything."

"It sure looks like it does from where I'm standing. You're always distracted and don't focus on your training because you're too busy staring at Yuzu's butt or something."

"I don't..."

"Oh please, of course you do. All those little glances and you brazenly feeling him up all the time. Did you _really_ think that nobody would notice?"

Actually, that was exactly what Javier had been thinking. He was convinced that they'd been discrete and that nobody at the Club would even suspect anything. Hell, he didn't even think anybody in this country would know about it.

"You're both adults, you can do what you want. I get that. But Javier," Brian leaned forward and snapped his fingers to make Javier look him in the eye, "you need to get your head out of your ass. You're a grown man, so stop behaving like a hormonally challenged teenager."

Javier grinded his teeth and stared past Brian's face at the giant calendar on the wall behind him. "Did Yuzu get the same sermon?"

"He doesn't need one, his head is right where it belongs."

Javier lowered his gaze again and sat there in silence. He felt like a little boy who was being scolded. Brian hesitated, unsure as to how far this conversation could or should go. He could see that Javier was extremely uncomfortable, but he didn't know if it was because of the topic itself or if he was just the wrong person to talk to him. He certainly could empathize with both possibilities. 

Javier shifted around on his chair and curled his fingers around the armrest. "So everybody knows about this?"

"No, not everybody," Brian tried to calm him, because he could hear a hint of panic in his voice. "But me and some people around here know you two pretty well, and we thought that..."

Javier's head shot up, consternation painted all over his face. "You talked about this with other people?"

Brian gave him a look and shook his head. Like he was the type to gossip. "I had a talk with Tracy, that's it. And only because I was unsure if I should even bring it up with you."

"I really wish you hadn't." Javier disappeared more and more into the chair and his voice seemed to follow this route into nothingness.

"You didn't exactly leave me a choice. I have a responsibility towards you, if not as your friend than at least as your coach. And you've been spinning out of control ever since you've come back from Japan. You've been sleepwalking through practically every other training session, and once Yuzu was back it got even worse. But at least then we started to see the reason why your head was such a mess."

Javier had lowered his head again and stared at the front of the desk as if he was trying to put a hole in it by sheer force of will. Brian sighed silently, rubbed his forehead with two fingers and sat down in the chair next to him. "I must say that I'm more than just a little surprised, though. I didn't really see this coming."

"Neither did I."

"I mean, I knew about Yuzu, but you've always just had eyes for the ladies and..."

"How the hell did you know?" Javier pushed himself up in the chair. He'd suddenly found his voice again and his hands were flying through the air without rhyme or reason. "Am I really the only one who didn't get the memo? Am I really too stupid and blind to take a hint or is there some secret dude-on-dude-handshake I don't know about?"

A little snort escaped Brian's throat. "I'm... I'm sorry."He fought hard to keep the corners of his mouth under control, but he failed miserably and eventually started laughing. "Did you just say dude-on-dude-handshake?" After a few more chuckles Brian got himself under control again. He really should stay serious here, this was no laughing matter after all. "No, you didn't miss the memo. And it's not like Yuzu is prancing around telling everyone about it, I just..." Brian wrinkled his nose and let his eyes wander across the ceiling. "I knew because his mother told me."

"She _what_?"

Brian couldn't suppress yet another smirk when he remembered that day. "Trust me, he wasn't happy about it. But she thought I should know in case anything ever happened."

"Why, what should've happened?"

"Well, apparently there was a little incident not long before he first came here. But it really isn't my place to say, you should ask him about it."

Javier crossed his arms in front of his chest. "Sure, you all just keep dropping bombs on me and then don't bother to tell me the rest of the story. It's not like this has anything to do with me."

"How much has this to do with you?" Javier looked at him slightly confused and Brian wasn't sure if he didn't want to answer or just didn't understand the question. "I can see that you've got some kind of fling going on but - you don't have to answer me if you don't want to, it's none of my business, really - but how serious is this thing with you?" Javier once again stared into empty space, shook his head and shrugged his shoulders. "Look, I get it, it's not like I haven't been there. I may be the old fart around here by now, but I was once a young man. I know how stupid you can get when you have a crush or fall in love." Brian paused when Javier suddenly looked up at him. His furrowed brow made a deep line appear between his eyes, his gaze started to wander in circles, and without saying a word he let his head hang again. Brian wasn't sure what to make of it. "I know it's none of my business, I get that, but..."

"You know what, can you please stop saying that it's none of your business?" Javier snapped at him without prior warning. "Because you clearly have no idea what those words mean, otherwise we wouldn't still be talking about it. Don't you have other shit to deal with?"

Brian appreciated neither the comment nor his tone of voice, but he kept his cool. "I'm just trying to help you."

"Yeah, good luck with that. I don't even know what I need help with. Until you showed up ten minutes ago I didn't have any problems. And I don't see what you have to offer that could help me in any way."

"First of all I could offer you an attitude adjustment and kick your ass into shape." So much for keeping his cool. Brian took a deep breath and rubbed his forehead again. "Look, this conversation isn't exactly a picnic for me either. But I don't think that you have a handle on your situation."

"And how do you think I should handle this, huh? Plan a big coming out party with the whole shebang or something?"

"I never said that you have to tell anybody. There's only a handful of people who suspect something, people you can trust. But it won't stay that way if you don't stop acting like a hormone-driven teenager with impulse control issues." Javier still looked like he was fuming inside when Brian calmly put his hand on his arm, giving it a light squeeze. "Your head is not in a good place right now. You have to make a decision how you want to handle this and then act accordingly. Because if you can't be around Yuzu without completely losing it, you have a big problem, my friend." Javier didn't answer and only developed an even deeper interest in the floorboards. "You've worked hard to get to this point, don't be stupid and just throw it away. I expect you to be better than that, starting tomorrow. Understood?" Javier nodded quietly and decided that this conversation was now over, leaving the office as fast as possible.

 

Javier packed his things and went outside to wait for Yuzuru. They'd made it a habit to leave the Club together if their respective schedules allowed it. When he finally came out it was much later than usual, and all the additional waiting time hadn't really helped to cool down Javier's anxiety. Neither of them said a word as they made their way to the bus stop. 

"I saw Brian take you to his office," Yuzuru finally said when the bus was already pulling up in front of them. "What did he want?"

Javier repeatedly shuffled one foot across the floor, making little stones fly around and hit their bags with raspy noises. "I got a lecture." 

They boarded the nearly empty bus and sat down next to each other in the last row of seats. The silence continued as Javier lowered his head and stared out the window. In the reflection he could hazily see the worried look on Yuzuru's face, but he tried to ignore it.

"Was it because you were bad at training again?"

That was certainly one way to regain Javier's attention. "Excuse me?" He'd gotten used to it that Yuzuru could be pretty candid, but that sounded just plain rude. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I can see you struggle at training. Is that why Brian talked to you?"

"No! It was... maybe that was part of it but... and what do you mean anyway, you can see me struggle?"

Javier's severe reaction took Yuzuru by surprise. He didn't mean anything by it, he had only noticed that Javier hadn't been on top of his game lately. He was worried, but he didn't feel like he could ask him about it. And obviously that feeling hadn't been completely unfounded.

"If you absolutely have to know, yes, it was about my training," he huffed through his teeth. "Suddenly he takes issue with everything I do."

"You must not tell me if you don't want," Yuzuru said quietly, trying not to antagonize him anymore.

"Yeah, now you know. And actually Brian thinks this is all because of you anyway."

Yuzuru squinted and his lips curled into a weird shape. "He does?"

"That's what he said."

"But... what did I do?"

"Well, he didn't explain that part in so many words," Javier sounded at lot snippier than he had intended, "but basically he said that all my problems are because of you."

Yuzuru pressed his lips together and quickly turned away, but Javier had already noticed. He felt like the stupidest idiot in the history of stupid idiocy. What the hell was wrong with him, why would he even say that?   
Javier took Yuzuru's hand, intertwined their fingers and kissed him on the back of the hand. Yuzuru turned around again, surprised that Javier would do something like that in such a public place. But he didn't have much time to process the thought because only a moment later Javier leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. "I'm sorry I said that."

Yuzuru stared at him with his jaw dropped and then looked down at the still merged pair of hands on Javier's thigh. "What's going on with you?"

"I don't know. You keep turning me into an idiot. Every time I think we finally..." He took a deep breath, sighed and shook his head instead of finishing the sentence. "You were right, Brian thinks I neglect my training. He knows that we... have a thing and he thinks you're a distraction."

"It is my fault?"

"No, it's not!" He squeezed Yuzuru's hand a little tighter, put his free hand on his cheek and kissed him again. "I'm sorry, it was stupid of me to even say that. None of this is your fault."

"Then what is problem? Maybe I can help."

Javier made a growling sound. "I'm not sure I should tell you."

"You can tell me."

"But... we already had a fight because of this and I don't want this whole drama to start all over again."

"I don't understand."

Javier let go of his hand and nervously scratched his thighs. "You're not the problem, it's me. Again."

Yuzuru bent forward to look Javier in the face because he still tried to avoid eye contact. "Just tell me," he said softly and with an encouraging smile.

"Well, Brian thinks I'm distracted during training because I spend too much time looking at you." Yuzuru shook his head. "And that my stupid hands might've developed a life of their own." All Javier got from him was an even more confused stare. There were only four or five other people on the bus, who were sitting practically at the other end of the vehicle with their backs towards them. But suddenly Javier was very conscious about the fact that they were present at all, so he lowered his voice and leaned over. "It seems," he whispered, "that I've been groping you all the time without realizing it."

Yuzuru reclined a bit and looked at him with yet another puzzled smile and his eyebrows raised high. Javier chuckled and let his forehead sink onto Yuzuru's shoulder. "You don't know what _groping_ means, do you?"

"Don't laugh at me."

"I'm not laughing at you, it's just..." His voice was still shaking and getting quieter by the word. He turned his face to the side and rested his head on Yuzuru's shoulder for a while. "I just can't get it right with you, can I?"

"Just tell me how I distract you and I stop that."

"You can't exactly stop existing, can you?" Javier sat up straight again. "That's really the problem her. Because every time I see you, all I want to do is go over and... touch you somehow. And according to Brian I haven't just been thinking about it."

"Oh," Yuzuru started to giggle, "that."

"That's not funny. I thought I had this under control. I didn't even know that I was doing this."

"I did know."

"Oh good, so everybody knew except me." Javier poked him in the side. "You could've said something."

"But it was never really bad touching. And last time I said stop touching you got angry, so I didn't say something."

"Last time I said that I want more touching, you stopped talking to me for a month. We just don't have the best track record when it comes to this conversation."

Yuzuru fondly patted his knee. "If it's bad for training, you must stop."

"Easier said than done. Have you ever seen what you're wearing for practice?" Yuzuru burst into giggles again. "I'm not even kidding, you might as well skate around in a flipping catsuit. This isn't funny."

Yuzuru finally managed to get himself under control and took Javier's hand again. "It's a little funny."

 

They got off the bus at the subway station where they finally had to say goodbye. Usually this meant that they would exchange a quick and rather polite hug at the corner where they needed to go their separate ways. But not this time. Javier set his bag aside, wrapped both arms around Yuzuru and pulled him close. Yuzuru waited for him to step away again, but he didn't. So he let go of his bag as well and returned the embrace. He felt Javier's steady breath on his neck, the gentle stroke of fingers that went from the small of his back to his shoulders and back down again. 

"What are you doing?" he asked with a shaky laugh. He made Javier loosen his grip and took a tiny step backwards, but the hands on his back didn't leave his body and only moved onto his hips. Yuzuru pulled away a little further, causing Javier to look at him confused, but ultimately he took his hands off of him.

"I'm really sorry I said that before."

"I know, it's okay."

"No, it's not. I shouldn't have said that in the first place."

Yuzuru quickly put one hand on Javier's chest to keep him at a distance. He recognized that look on his face and knew what he was about to do. He slightly nodded his head in the general direction of their surroundings as if to remind him that they were neither alone nor unobserved in this place. He glanced at the destination board. "I must go catch train," he said almost apologetically. He pulled his hand from Javier's chest, like he'd just remembered that it didn't belong there, and looked at him silently. "But I can come to your place later."

Javier was fairly surprised by this suggestion. The words _in complete shock_ probably would've been much more appropriate. They had made an agreement, but since then they hadn't talked about it again. There was no need to. Until now. And then there was the fact that they both had off-ice training scheduled early the next morning. He knew that Yuzuru was obsessed with sticking to his time plan. Normally he'd go home now, have dinner with his mother, study for his classes a bit and then go to bed early so he'd be well rested and over-punctual for practice the next day. Every one of those things should prevent an unscheduled nightly visit at his apartment.

"I can come later, yes?"

"Sure, I mean... if you... what would you tell your mother?" For the love of God, why on earth would he start talking about his mother in a moment like that? Yuzuru didn't just temporarily turn him into an idiot, there had to be some serious long-term damage that affected his head.

"She's no problem, I can come."

Javier hesitantly nodded his head, and then reconsidered. "No, seriously. What would you tell her if she asks you about it? I know you're close, I wouldn't want you to lie to her just because..."

"I must not lie to her," Yuzuru interrupted him with a soft smile. "She knows."

"You told her?" He wasn't even surprised, this was really bound to happen. And Javier was strangely okay with that. He knew that Yuzuru and his mother had a special bond, he couldn't possibly have kept this from her. 

"No, I promised you I don't tell and I didn't. But she knows, I'm sure. I'm not good at hiding feelings from her."

"And she's okay with that?"

Yuzuru tried his best not to laugh but was unable to completely stop himself. He still felt that Javier's reservations towards his mother were very much absurd. "Why are you so afraid of her? You know she likes you."

"She liked me as your friend, but what do I know if she's okay with... this."

Yuzuru stroked Javier's arm and let his fingers run all the way down to take his hand, holding it just long enough to be noticeable before he let go again. "She's okay when I'm happy." He looked up at the destination board again. "I really must go catch train now. But I come later."

Javier just nodded, not giving his mouth the chance to say something that might ruin it again. Yuzuru grabbed his bag and not one smile later he was already gone.


	9. Fuse

Javier had already given up hope, but late in the evening the doorbell finally rang. As always Yuzuru would bow slightly before offering his apologies. Studying for his classes had taken up more time than he anticipated. Only at the second glance did Javier notice that there was something standing next to him in the hallway.

"You brought your bag?"

"It's late and we have training early tomorrow. I can stay tonight, yes?"

Judging by Yuzuru's grin he must've looked like a little kid in front of an all-you-can-eat candy buffet, but Javier didn't care. Of all the thoughts to have right now, all he could think about was how he'd felt that night when he'd fallen asleep in his arms for the first time. No matter what would or wouldn't happen next, he already knew that he'd again fall asleep a bit happier tonight.

When Yuzuru took off his jacket and neatly put it over the back of a chair, Javier was surprised to see what came to light from underneath. "Are you wearing your training clothes from earlier?"

"Of course not, these are clean."

"But you never wear those outside of training."

"I wear it now."

That look Yuzuru had just given him had only lasted a moment, but Javier couldn't shake the feeling that something was going on. "Why now?"

Yuzuru looked at him over his shoulder and batted his eyes. "You said you like it, yes?"

"So, you mean, you got all dressed up for me in your training wear?" The last giggle died on Javier's lips when Yuzuru suddenly came so close, he was mere inches away from him. 

"You don't like?"

Javier held his breath and instantly felt the need to swallow, but his throat didn't agree and tightened up. "N-no... of, of course I like."

Yuzuru's face brightened and an indefinable smile flashed over it before he turned and went over to his bag. Javier tried to resolve the awkwardness by changing the topic. If his brain could actually come up with any topic that wouldn't revolve around that butt he kept staring at.

"You just got here, can I at least get a proper hello?" He opened his arms and walked towards him to give Yuzuru a hug, but he only ran into an outstretched arm.

"No." There was that weird smile again. "We have new rule tonight."

Javier let his arms sink and looked down at the hand that was pressing firmly against his chest. "Okay," he said long-drawn-out because he did not have a good feeling about this. "And what would that rule be?"

"You're not allowed to touch me."

Javier had trouble closing his mouth and momentarily forgot how to blink. "Excuse me?" He wrinkled his brow when he finally remembered how to use his face. "I'll need that explained."

"You're not allowed to touch me," he repeated calmly and tapped his fingers against Javier's chest. "You need exercise."

Javier smirked. This was obviously a joke. "I don't see how not touching you can help with that and besides, this body is about as good as it gets."

"Not for body, silly." Yuzuru's eyes followed his hand as it slid up and down Javier's chest. "Body is good." He lightly pushed back with his still outstretched arm when Javier again tried to get closer. "You need exercise for head."

With an exhausted sigh Javier let his shoulders drop. "I don't like this game."

"You say you always want to touch me." 

"I _really_ don't like this game."

"We must teach your head that your hands can't do that."

Javier felt like he was in the wrong movie or something. This had to be some kind of hallucination. "Are you serious?"

"Yes. Hands are not allowed to touch me tonight."

"Are you serious?"

"It will be good for you."

"Are you _serious_ ?"

"Yes, stop asking question." The whole time Yuzuru had tried to keep a straight face, but he was in no way able to control that tantalizing smirk on his lips. He pulled his iPod out of the pocket of his jacket and held it up in front of Javier's face. "I bring music, you must help."

With a deep growl Javier threw back his head. "Oh no, please, not again."

"Yes again."

"By now you should be done with the choreography for your short program and not still pick the music."

"But I can't decide."

Javier let his head sink onto his chest and produced yet another weird sound. "I hate you right now." He scuffled over to the bed and laid down on his stomach. He stuffed his feet under the pillows, let his hands hang over the back-end and smashed his face into the mattress like he was trying to suffocate himself with it.

Yuzuru squatted down in front of him and affectionately stroked Javier's hair until he finally managed to lift his head again. Good thing he had already started to opened his mouth in order to whine about the situation some more, because as soon as his face had left the sheets, Yuzuru leaned over and kissed him. Javier didn't know what to make of this, but he sure as hell wouldn't complain about it. Just to be safe though, he kept his hands right where they were, tightly jammed between his chest and the mattress, until Yuzuru pulled away from him again.

"So, under your new rule, does that qualify as not touching?" 

"Rule is _your hands_ are not allowed to touch." Yuzuru hopped onto the bed next to him. "I can do what I want."

Javier took the earplug he was being handed and tried to ignore the everlasting smirk he was facing. "I _really_ hate you right now."

Yuzuru could barely hold back a laugh when he saw how Javier's eyes avidly wandered over his body before he turned away again. He laid on his side, leaned on one arm and moved close to Javier before he turned on the player. "Just listen to music."

 

Time passed, it was getting late and Javier was so over this decision-making process. He kept hearing the same two piano pieces over and over until they seemingly became one and he couldn't even distinguish the lulling noises anymore. He didn't actively notice how Yuzuru's foot would slide along his calf all the time, how fingertips kept stroking his shoulders, moved up and down his spine, then sneaked under his shirt and caressed his lower back. But all those soothing motions and touches were probably not much help in keeping him awake. He was leaning on his elbows with his head rested on his palms, trying really hard to keep his body somewhat upright, because he knew he'd fall asleep immediately if his face ever hit the mattress. 

Javier's eyes had gotten too heavy to stay opened and he didn't even realize that at some point there was no more music sounding through his head. Only when Yuzuru climbed on top of him and laid on his back did he slowly start to wake from his daze. "Are we done with the music torture? Did you pick one?"

Yuzuru slipped his arms underneath Javier's, curled his hands around his shoulders and leaned his chin on the back of his hand. "Why did you kiss me in bus?"

"Because I was being a bastard." Javier's mind was still half gone and he was less speaking than mumbling. "I made you feel bad and wanted to apologize."

"Why not just say sorry?"

Javier's body simulated something like a shrug, as far as it was possible the way he was being clasped. "I don't know. Felt like the right thing to do." The embrace became a wee bit tighter. Javier sensed a breath of air in his ear and somehow it felt like he could hear him smiling.

"You can't always do that because you feel like it."

"Now it's a bad thing that I kissed you?"

"No." Yuzuru loosened his grip and softly nudged his nose against Javier's cheek. "That was nice."

"I don't get it."

Yuzuru kissed him on the cheek, then slowly moved on to his neck and that tiny spot below his ear which he by now knew would never fail to affect in a certain way. Bit by bit Javier started to come to his senses, and among other things he realized that Yuzuru wasn't just lying on top of him. He kept moving and heaving and rubbing against him.

"What exactly are you doing back there?"

He didn't get an explanation but instead heard a barely stifled gasp behind his ear. "Nothing."

"Doesn't feel like nothing." Javier got slapped on the hand when he tried to reach back and touch him.

"Oh?" Yuzuru breathed little kisses around his neck while he moved his face to the other side and again rested his chin on Javier's shoulder. "What is feeling like?"

The muscles in Javier's abdomen unwittingly started to constrict in accordance with the rhythmical pushes from above. "Feels like you're up to something."

"You said you want to do things with me, yes?"

"Yeah, about that... I'm still a little fuzzy... on the details."

"What means fuzzy?" Yuzuru pulled on Javier's shirt and with some difficulty managed to bring it up to his shoulders. "Fuzzy sounds fun."

"No, it's not, I mean, I'm just..." Javier had to bend around quite a bit, but those two eager hands kept tearing at the fabric until they managed to push the shirt over his head. Only now did he recognize the feeling of warm, naked skin rubbing against his bare back. "It's not that I don't... I'm just not completely sure what you got planned back there."

Yuzuru held his breath to suppress the rising giggles in his chest when he suddenly felt parts of Javier's body tense up. Based on some previous insinuations he had a pretty good idea what might be the issue. "If you have question," Javier had barely time to turn his face to the side when Yuzuru pushed him down until his shoulders hit the sheets, "you can ask."

"It's kinda complicated."

"No, it's not."

Yuzuru kept rubbing against him with his whole body, not at a particular pace but with constant rigor. Javier heard his excited little groans from behind, which didn't make it any easier for his brain to come up with the right words. He might've had less trouble expressing himself if he didn't feel like he was being continuously poked by an ever-growing erection. Which he quite frankly was. 

"I'm not sure how to phrase it." 

"You just don't want to say words to me, like always." 

Yuzuru thrust down hard on him again, making Javier almost bite into the mattress to muffle his own moans. A curious combination of discomfort and arousal took hold of him when Yuzuru's wet lips touched his ear and nibbled on his lobe before he whispered, "You think I now want to fuck you in the ass, huh?"

Javier cringed and with an almost agonizing grunt pressed his face into the sheets. "It still _kills_ me when you talk like that."

"You know better words?"

"Not really." Javier turned his head to the side and stared at some imaginary spot at the wall. The whole situation was beyond bizarre, and yet he was actually relieved that he didn't have to face Yuzuru for this conversation.

"I guess question right, yes?"

"Um, yeah... you pretty much nailed it ... I mean, you didn't... nail... anything yet, but... you won't, maybe, or... okay, poor choice of words... what I meant is..." The thrusting motions had gradually stopped, but he could still feel Yuzuru's body trembling. "This isn't funny."

"Yes, is very funny," came the giggling answer from behind. Yuzuru pressed his face against Javier's shoulder to curb his laughter, but it didn't really help all that much.

"Come on, it's not like I don't know what's supposed to go where but..." Javier's distressed growl was clearly fueled by more than just frustration. "Look, all I know about gay sex comes from movies and porn, okay?" He pushed himself up as far as he could and leaned onto his forearms. "And I have no idea what you expect right now and I sure as hell don't..."

Yuzuru put one hand over Javier's mouth to stop his rambling chatter. "You go crazy again," he said soothingly after one last giggle. "This is not complicated." He pushed himself up on his hands and feet. "Turn around," he ordered, and Javier reluctantly did as he was told. Yuzuru pressed one knee between Javier's legs, spreading them in the process and then placed himself between them. "This should be fun, not a thing you must do." He lowered his body back down, calmly ran his fingers through Javier's hair and tried to kiss away the overshadowing look of panic on his face."If you don't want to do something, we don't have to do that."

"So if I'd like to maintain the virginity of my ass, you're cool with that?" Javier had absolutely _zero_ idea where that sentence just came from.

"Idiot." Yuzuru's chuckling resurfaced for a moment as he flicked him right between the eyes. "Of course I am. You just have to tell me."

The slender body on top of him started to become much heavier than was to be expected, and yet Javier felt like he himself was getting a lot lighter. Yuzuru's giggles gradually faded into a smile so sweet and warm, that Javier had to wonder why he was ever worried about anything in the first place. He felt fingertips gently brushing across his cheek and lips daintily grazing his own, but neither of it felt like the mere touch of skin anymore. And for a little while their kiss was not one bit about physicality or pleasure or sex. 

But it didn't last very long and soon Yuzuru got more daring again, pushed forward not only with his tongue but his whole body and very much revitalized the sensual aspects of their interaction. Javier tried to touch him, but his arms had barely started to move when he once again got his fingers slapped. "So this is how it's gonna be?" he somehow mumbled his complaint through compressed lips. "I have to talk about stuff and you get to dry hump me without saying a word?"

Yuzuru immediately pulled away and froze. But it was the last bit of consideration his brain was able to conjure up right now, because his body really needed the answer to be no, no, no and _no_ to what he was about to say. "If you want, I will stop."

Javier could've tried to claim that this perfectly toned body between his thighs wasn't the hugest turn on he had ever seen or felt. Okay, there was no way in hell he could say that. Two pairs of sweatpants didn't provide nearly enough material to hide the fact that they were both primed and ready to go for more than just kisses and cuddles tonight. His body completely betrayed him and let out a stunned gasp when Yuzuru pushed down again, pressed their pelvises together and slowly slid further up. His face almost levitated above Javier's before they kissed again, lightly at first, as if they had to start from the very beginning and readjust to each other. "What do you want?" he asked in a whisper while thrusting down again, but before Javier could answer his lips were ambushed by another deep kiss. "You want that I stop?"

Javier's breathing became labored as Yuzuru once again went for that one little spot on his neck, fondling it even more intensely than before and making his skin crawl. Then he suddenly pulled away, just far enough so they could look each other in the eye. Javier's whole body writhed with excitement when he saw the expression of want flaring in those beautiful, dark eyes and finally he shook his head.

"No, don't stop."

He tried to reach up and touch his face, but Yuzuru grabbed his wrists, pushed his arms to the side and held them firmly as he quickly leaned down again. There was no transition phase this time, no series of touches that went from soft to sultry, no waiting for anything. After all the kisses they had shared, they knew each other's taste, knew the touches that would inevitably elicit a reaction. Yuzuru let go of Javier's arms and supported himself on the bed with both hands, dug one foot into the sheets to have better grip and increased his thrusts. A strained groan echoed in their mouths, it could've come from either one or both of them. Neither of them realized that Javier's hands had gotten away from him again. They were gliding all over the velvety skin of that ecstatic body on top of him, wandering further down and finally settling on that tight little ass that felt like it had been intentionally molded only to fit perfectly into his hands.

Yuzuru could no longer distinguish between touching and being touched, wasn't conscious of the fingers that were running up and down his bare skin, then got lost in his hair and pulled him down. He got pressed further into their uncontrolled kiss that tasted of so much more than just craving and lust. He forced himself to break away from time to time, but only so he wouldn't suffocate. He savored the look on Javier's face, took in the reflection of mutual yearning that only increased his own longing for him. Every one of his motions was returned from below as he kept grinding and pushing himself down, over and over. Hands were sliding down his back again, pressing so hard against his skin they must surely leave a mark. Fragments of words lingered in his ear, they didn't have any meaning to him but he recognized the sound of ardency. His own moans nearly turned into a cry when Javier grabbed his ass again, jerking him closer with every maddening move.

Yuzuru's toes curled into the sheets, his hands clung so tight to Javier's shoulders he nearly ripped his arms out, he kept moving, grinding, gasping for air and _oh shit_. His last kiss slipped from Javier's lips, his fingers grabbed on to anything he could reach while his entire body tensed up under an uninhibited groan and pushed down hard one last time. His hips kept twitching a few more times, but moments later he simply collapsed onto Javier as the tension slowly faded and his body went limp. He barely allowed himself to catch his breath before he clumsily rolled on his back and stared at the ceiling. That did not really go as planned.

Javier was lying next to him motionlessly and only turned his head to the side, mouth opened, brow furrowed, one arm still up in the air as if it hadn't gotten the message that there was no longer another body to hold on to. Yuzuru looked at him, his face was flushed from heat and maybe a little bit of embarrassment, his lips were opening and closing in synch with the breathy pants that kept rushing through them. Javier's face was easier to read than a picture book. _Really? That's all it takes for you to get off?_ But right now Yuzuru so didn't feel like explaining how this happened. 

"You broke my rule," he whispered instead while his breathing slowly returned to normal.

"Yeah, you didn't like that at all, I could tell," Javier laughed, but when he tried to put his arm around Yuzuru, he got his fingers slapped hard again. Yuzuru nimbly rolled over the edge and stood up, grabbed Javier by the ankles and - _holy shit_ , he always underestimated how much strength was hidden in that tiny body - with one continuous move he had almost yanked him off the bed.

"Stand up."

"Why?"

"Because," Yuzuru pulled him to his feet, "I like this more with standing up."

"You like what exac..."

Yuzuru ignored every word as well as each and any form of resistance. He turned Javier around, shoved him with his back against the nearest wall and forcefully pushed his arms behind his back. "You take arms out or touch me again, and I really stop this time." Yuzuru tilted his head to the side and his lips formed into a smile so dirty, Javier had no idea that this sweet face of his was even able to look like that. "You will _not_ want that I stop."

Unfortunately that naughty little look was anything but discouraging to Javier. "Come on, this is silly, just let me... ouch! Stop hitting me already." His growling became barely comprehensible as he grudgingly put his arms behind his back again. "Can't you just tie me up? That would be so much easier."

"This is for self-control, not to do it kinky."

"Oh sure, _that_ word you know. Come on, you're killing me here."

"No, I'm helping you."

"No, you're having trouble with your English again, this isn't he..." Javier couldn't finish, couldn't even think till the end of this sentence when Yuzuru suddenly and very quickly let his tongue run across his palm and then shoved his hand down Javier's pants. Javier sharply sucked in the air through his teeth and let out another frenzied moan as he squeezed his eyes shut and threw his head back. Yuzuru grabbed him by the chin with the other hand, forced him to look at him, relishing the mixture of pleasure and anguish in his eyes.

"This is torture, you know that, right?" Javier managed to say breathlessly and was horrified by the tone of his own voice. Every sound he made screamed out that he had passed _desperate_ about a dozen touches ago and his body was now flat out begging for release.

"I can stop torture if you..."

"Don't you dare!"

Javier didn't even care that Yuzuru was laughing at his expense, because in the next moment he ran his fingers through Javier's hair, tilted his head back and let his tongue slide along his neck. Once more he went for that one exhilarating spot and at the same time quickened the pace of his strokes, educing sounds of sheer lechery from Javier's throat. Their lips met again to resume another deep, fervid kiss and Javier whined almost pitifully when Yuzuru backed off after a while.

"Trust me," he whispered with a shaky voice, unable to hide his own excitement as he pulled his hand back up, "this you will like." Javier was no longer able to answer, just nodded and leaned towards him, asking for one last kiss. But Yuzuru's face had already disappeared.

Javier's gaze was fixed on a smudgy spot at the ceiling. He didn't dare to look down for fear that what he'd see might make him lose control again. It was already too much to feel Yuzuru's touches finding their way down his body, his sleek hands running along his side, his lips grazing his bare skin over and over, his tongue tracing the outlines of his abs as he sunk further towards the ground. Javier almost lost it when Yuzuru's fingers swiftly slipped under the waistbands, tugging both his sweats and boxers down at once. Yuzuru knew that it wouldn't take all that much doing to drive Javier completely over the edge, there was no point in dragging this out. And there wasn't an ounce of patience left in him anyway. 

Javier squirmed and gasped for air when he again felt the firm grip of silky fingers, now combined with the touch of eager lips that seemed to know exactly what they were doing. He grabbed his own wrist behind his back, tried to hold on to it with the other hand, pressing it hard until his fingertips nearly went numb. His moans mixed with bits and pieces of Spanish, words so filthy, he wasn't sure if they had ever left his mouth before. Yuzuru took him in further while lewd little sounds dripped from his lips. From the corner of his eye Javier saw scattered strands of black hair floating through the air, fought the urge to bury his hands in them, knowing damn well what would happen if he did. He squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his arms against the wall, somehow held them under control but didn't even try to keep his hips from jerking along with the rhythmical touches down below. His short nails dug into the flesh of his palm when his hands started to slip and finally his arms just sprung out from behind his back. 

"Don't say it!" he pleaded desperately as his clenched fists punched against the wall. "I won't touch you, I won't, I swear." He could just about feel that smirk on Yuzuru's lips.

Javier's eyes practically turned back into his head and the trembling of his body intensified as Yuzuru kept going, bobbing his head, moving quicker, flicking his tongue, his one hand stroking him and the other one... _oh God_ , he had definitely done this before. Javier heard more muffled humming noises from below, felt them as well, giving him the idea that he wasn't the only one reveling in this moment. Almost out of nowhere Javier felt the muscles in his abdomen contract violently, encouraging the rest of his body to do the same, making him arch his back and hit his head against the wall so hard, he almost put a hole in it. All it took was one more stroke, one touch, one slide of the tongue and after one last liberating moan he was quivering and shaking and this show was _so_ over.

He could still hear himself wheezing and producing the weirdest noises while his body gradually relaxed. When he opened his eyes, the harsh artificial light made him feel dizzy, and for a moment he was more than grateful for the wall he was leaning against. Yuzuru's face turned up out of nowhere. He was wearing that innocent, boyish smile which seemed ridiculously out of place after what he'd just done. Then he topped it off by licking his lips and letting the back of his hand run slowly over his half-opened mouth, causing Javier to shudder all over again. 

"I'm gonna touch you now," he somehow squeezed out while trying to straighten his back, "and I don't give a fuck about your rule." With a frisky giggle Yuzuru bent down and tucked Javier's pants back up. "You're an evil little sadist." Javier somehow forced his numb, hurting arms upwards and pulled him close. "Don't you ever do that to me again."

Yuzuru leaned against him while his fingers teasingly tickled Javier's neck. "Yes, you didn't like that. I could tell." 

It was barely noticeable but Yuzuru kept pushing forward, his gaze rapidly jumped between Javier's eyes and his mouth. It brought a smile to Javier's face to know that he also had something to offer to that lovely creature in his arms. There was no need to withhold anything from each other any longer, and so he soon gave and took what they both wanted. Yuzuru's lips felt swollen and he could still taste himself in their kiss. He'd always hated that, but right now he couldn't care less. Right now there was nothing in the world that could've kept him away from this.

When they moved apart from one another, that mischievous grin had reappeared on Yuzuru's face. "So, was it like in movies you watch?"

With a sigh Javier closed his eyes and let his head sink onto his chest. "Yeah, I had a feeling you'd remember that."

"Maybe next time we watch movies together and you just point finger when you like something."

"It's not like I have a research arsenal, you know."

"I don't know those words. What does that mean?"

"It means that we'll have to figure this out another way." Javier tenderly brushed a few strands of hair out of Yuzuru's face. "But maybe not right now. How about we just go to bed?"

"Okay, but..." He smiled with a silly grimace and his voice got a little weepy. "Can I use bathroom before you? I really want to change pants."

"Right, I totally forgot about your jump start," Javier grinned and patted Yuzuru's cheek. "You _always_ have to come first, don't you?"

"Haha." Yuzuru rolled his eyes but his faked pout was already accompanied by a giggle. By now the embarrassment was long gone, because he knew exactly why this had happened. And right now it didn't matter anyway. "That was exception. It's not always like that."

With a smile Javier pulled him a little closer and playfully put a kiss on the tip of his nose. "I guess we'll see about that."


	10. One at a Time

After their off-ice training at the gym in the morning, they had more than enough time until they had to be at the rink. But they decided to go there right away because otherwise they'd probably risk being late again. For the second time this day. They were standing next to each other on the subway train and when their eyes met for a brief moment, they both had to hold back a revealing smile, because they each knew exactly what the other was thinking about. 

 

This morning Javier was awakened by the sound of flushing water, although at the time he didn't recognize it as such. He was still bleary when his arm reached to the other side of the bed. He definitely knew that the space there shouldn't be empty. But his mind was quickly put at ease when he heard more noises coming from the bathroom. Javier sighed when he looked at the clock. Dear God, what was he doing up so early? They could've slept for at least another hour. 

Javier dragged himself out of bed and over to the bathroom where he knocked at the half-closed door and waited until it was opened from inside. Yuzuru looked much too awake for this time of day and smiled broadly with the toothbrush still stuck between his teeth. The gargled noises behind that piece of plastic might've said something like "Good, you wake up," but Javier couldn't be completely sure about that.

"Yeah, awesome." He didn't even make it through the second word before he got overpowered by a major yawn so rapidly, he barely managed to cover it with his hand in time. He didn't know why Yuzuru had stripped down to his undies just for brushing his teeth, but he certainly appreciated the view. He walked up behind him, wrapped his arms around his waist and kissed the tiny birthmark on his left shoulder blade. "That wasn't very nice of you," he mumbled and they looked at each other's reflection in the mirror in front of them. "Letting me wake up without you."

Yuzuru smiled, averted his eyes and continued brushing. Javier didn't let go of him, even when he leaned down, spit into the sink and rinsed his mouth. He was just about finished when he already nodded in the direction of the little blue cup above the sink that contained Javier's toothbrush set. "Are we in a hurry or something?"

Yuzuru turned around in the still ongoing embrace and put a peck on his cheek. "Brush your teeth. I wait in bed."

Javier was not sleepy enough to miss that undertone in his voice.

When he came back into the bedroom, Yuzuru was sitting in the middle of the bed. He was wearing a T-shirt and had even put his pajama pants back on. Javier was genuinely puzzled at first. Should he have misunderstood again? But that look on Yuzuru's face spoke volumes. He did get it right this time. Now it was his turn.

Yuzuru was well aware that Javier could read every single one of his thoughts from his eyes, and he didn't even attempt to hide any of them. On the contrary, his smile only became broader and he could feel his heart beat a tad faster when Javier came back into bed and crawled towards him on all fours. Yuzuru had put his clothes back on because he knew exactly how much fun it could be to completely unwrap somebody for the first time. He didn't want to take this chance away from Javier. Or from himself. But for the longest time all he did was just kiss him before he gently slipped one hand under Yuzuru's shirt. And still it took a lot more fondling underneath the fabric until Javier finally managed to break the kiss and pull the shirt over his head. Yuzuru automatically ran his fingers through his own hair, putting everything back into place, although he knew exactly that this was a rather futile exercise.

It took Javier only one more kiss and Yuzuru laid down on his back for him. He caressed and kissed his neck, his shoulders and arms. The frame of his body still seemed so tiny and fragile between his hands, but the defined lines of his pecs and abs were strong and nothing less than beautiful. Javier almost felt like he was moving too fast again when he let his tongue circle around the tender skin of his nipples, but the way Yuzuru sighed softly and slightly arched his back was just too sweet and encouraging. Javier turned him on his stomach and tilted up his hips, just far enough so he'd be able to get down his pants. He asked about a scar on the back of his thigh, apparently a reminder of a bicycle accident he'd had when he was a kid. Javier didn't have to ask about the bruises on his hip, because he'd witnessed those nasty falls during training two days ago. After he had disposed of the last pieces of hindering fabric, he then worked his way up, bit by bit. His hands traced the outlines of his naked body as they went up over his calves, his thighs, his ass. Javier just couldn't resist the urge to bend down and lightly bite into one of those perfectly curved cheeks, causing the sound of Yuzuru's fitful breathing to mix with a squeak and a giggle.

For weeks he had thought about how he just wanted to rip off his clothes and do who knows what with him. But right now every move and touch seemed far to special to be rushed, and for minutes on end he did nothing else but explore every inch of his body with an endurance and patience he never thought possible. On this otherwise spotless body he found more scattered birthmarks like the one on his shoulder, each one so tiny that nobody else would even notice them if they weren't as close to him as he was right now. And right now Javier didn't want anybody else to ever see them again. 

Javier turned him on his back again and covered Yuzuru's body with his own, mirroring what they'd done the night before. Somehow he ended up kissing him for much longer than he'd intended. It was great that they had finally added sex to this mix, no doubt about that. But those kisses now tasted even sweeter than they had two days ago, and he'd never get tired of that. It almost physically pained him to finally tear their lips apart, but down below he could feel that Yuzuru was aching for more. 

"I guess it's time to return the favor, huh?"

Yuzuru clung a little tighter to his neck, wanted to drag him down again, but Javier resisted and even pulled back when Yuzuru tried to push himself upwards. He could actually see the shiver run through Yuzuru body as he forced his trembling lips to form a few words. "Only if you want to."

"Oh, trust me," Javier finally gave in to his own wishes and leaned down for one more kiss. "I want you."

In parts Javier only had the vaguest idea what he was doing. He knew the theory, of course, but in practice he'd only ever been on the receiving end up until now. And there were still some things he wasn't quite comfortable with. But he never felt like he was being pushed towards anything. With everything else he just fumbled and felt his way through it, occasionally accepting the helping hand of Yuzuru in more than just a figurative sense. But above all he just plain enjoyed himself, because he loved the way Yuzuru would twist and turn and moan under his touch. And compared to that frustratingly passive role he'd had last night, it was quite something else to now actually make him come.

They took their own sweet time for every move they made. Luckily they were both able to do so, because Yuzuru's stamina had greatly improved. At least compared to last night when he'd lost control after all of five minutes. For almost two years he'd now been secretly pining after Javier, knowing that he was out of reach, thinking of what he'd like to do with him and, _oh boy_ , the things he'd come up with whenever he saw him practically naked in the changing room, circling his hips during warm-up or flexing his muscles while stretching. He held about a million memories of yearning desires and when they all came back in one giant sweep, when he was finally with him the way he wanted to be - it was more than his mind and his body could handle.

But not so this morning. This morning he was the one getting sucked into someone else's fantasies. And although there was still more than enough room for improvement, it sure was a lot of fun to figure things out together. Once they found themselves wallowing in stickiness and sweat, they decided to take it to the shower, where they'd again needlessly draw out every single touch, for no other reason than they knew that they could. Only when reality kicked in and the hot water turned their skin into something very unsexy that resembled overcooked raisins, only then did they finally let go of each other.

They were nowhere even close to punctual for training.

 

The second look they had just shared across the subway aisles made one thing abundantly clear: right now they really needed to be in a public place, because anywhere else they'd probably be all over each other within minutes. So they headed to the Club, stored their bags in the changing room and then went outside to sit somewhere under the trees next to the terrace café. Here they were out of hearing distance but still well within the sight of nosy strangers, thereby lowering any temptation to a minimum. At least in theory.

Yuzuru was well aware that Javier had been blatantly staring at him from the side for quite some time now, and it started to get a bit bothersome. He turned his head and looked him over, but Javier didn't even attempt to drop his gaze. "What is it?"

"I was just thinking about something."

"Yes, I can see what you think about. Everybody can see." Javier's grin only became broader when he let his fingers slide along Yuzuru's thigh, but his hand was immediately brushes aside rather harshly. "Didn't you learn yesterday? Keep fingers away."

"I learned a lot of things yesterday, but certainly not that I want to keep my... ouch! Really? Again with the hitting? And what's with that look?"

"What look?"

"The same look you gave me yesterday when I wanted to kiss you at the subway station. Why wouldn't you let me, huh?"

With the way Yuzuru suddenly looked away and twisted his fingers, it was fairly obvious that he'd hit a nerve with that question. "Because you didn't think with head when you want to do that and... there were too many people. And now people over there watch us."

"But I thought you didn't care if anybody knew about this."

"I don't, but you care."

Busted. In hindsight he'd been glad that Yuzuru didn't let him do that in the middle of a crowd. And pawing him at the Club was exactly the kind of thing Brian had warned him about yesterday. He knew that Yuzuru had a point and that he should be more careful if he really wanted to keep this under wraps for now. What happened in his bedroom was one thing, but taking it out into the world was a whole different story. But still...

"I no longer believe you that this whole secrecy act is just because of me, so spit it out. What's the real reason?"

Yuzuru furrowed his brow, sucked in his cheeks and all of a sudden it seemed like he was actually blushing. He took a deep breath, then slowly and very noisily let the air out through his nose. "My mother doesn't want that people know."

"Your... _what_ ?" To say that he was surprised would've been the understatement of the century. "But you said she has no problem with... why would... hey, by the way, did your mother really tell Brian that you're bisexual?"

Yuzuru cringed, made a peculiar grouchy noise and squeezed his eyes shut. "Don't say that, I _hate_ that word."

"What? Why?" Javier couldn't help but laugh at his reaction. Yuzuru had been teasing him all the time because Javier didn't like it when he indulged in vulgar language. Which of course made it all the more fun for Yuzuru to whisper dirty words into his ear any chance he got. And now he got squeamish about the word _bisexual_? He really was one of a kind.

"I don't know why, it sounds weird." He stretched his arms out, put his hands between his knees and squeezed them together. "I don't like that, it's a silly word."

"Like squirrel."

"What?"

"Forget it."

Yuzuru stared at him with narrow eyes and tried to figure out why he was giggling, but he lost interest pretty quickly. "Yes, she told him. She said he should know and keep eye on me when she's not here." 

He sighed and rolled his eyes because he still couldn't believe that she'd actually done that. And she had even made him come with her and he had to stand there next to them while she told Brian everything. Just thinking about it he could already feel how his face was getting bright red again. At that time Brian was supposed to become his new coach and not some kind of chaperone. This really shouldn't have been one of the first things he learned about his new student.

"Brian said something happened before you came here, but he wouldn't tell me what."

Yuzuru sighed again, closed his eyes and quietly spun his head around for a while. "There was boy from my school and I sometimes visit because I help him study. And one time his mother comes home early and..." he opened one eye and puckered his lips, "I did not study above table."

Javier honestly tried not to laugh again, but those chortling noises just wouldn't stay inside of him. "You mean, she walked in... while you gave him..."

"Yes," he answered through his teeth while embarrassment and amusement somehow blended into one smile. "She was not happy. And then she tells my mother and says if I talk to boy again, she will tell everyone what I did."

"Bitch."

"Don't say that, she was just... surprised."

"No, she was being a fucking bitch." Yuzuru frowned again and shook his head, but Javier still saw that hint of a smile and the look in his eyes. "Is that how your mother found out about you?" Yuzuru nodded and rubbed his nose with the back of his hand. "And?"

"And she said she had feeling that I like him more than other friends. I told you, she always knows." Javier also didn't miss that little side glance he just received. "She has no problem with that. But she says I must be more careful because maybe other people have problem. And so she ask me not to tell about it." 

"What? Like... ever?"

"Of course not. We have agreement that I will not tell before I'm legally adult. Then I can do what I think is right."

"So... that would mean not until you're 20, right?"

"Yes."

"Which would be in about half a year."

"Yes."

Six month suddenly seemed like a blink of an eye and an eternity at the same time. Javier couldn't tell if that feeling in his stomach was mere irritation or already bordering on distress. Or why this information bothered him at all. "What are you gonna do?"

Yuzuru grabbed Javier's arm and turned it a bit to have a look at his watch. "We must go or we'll be late again." He got up without another word, pulled Javier to his feet and turned to leave. Javier had to step it up a notch because Yuzuru was walking at his usual high-speed pace. He was already inside the building and halfway down the first corridor when Javier finally caught up with him.

"Hey, slow down, you didn't really answer me. What are you gonna do about this?"

Yuzuru looked at him like he was able to read every one of Javier's scrambled thoughts. And then there was that sweet smile again, the one he'd already seen last night, the one that somehow managed to tame all the worries Javier could possibly have. "I don't know yet. We'll decide when it's time."

Javier slowly raised his eyebrows. "We?"

"Idiot." He lightly bumped into his shoulder and unnoticeably took his hand for a short moment. "Decision is not about me alone when... _if_ you're still here ... Maybe you're not, I don't know ... When it's time I'll see if..." Javier looked around, and since there was no other soul in sight, he quickly pulled Yuzuru back into a niche they'd walked past only a couple of steps ago. "Don't, I just told you."

Only a few seconds passed before Javier finally complied, let go of him and stepped back into the hallway as if nothing had happened. As if he'd never pressed Yuzuru against the ice-cold vending machine and told him that he wasn't about to go anywhere. As if he'd not forced a quick but fervent kiss onto his lips, one that was still rejected by words but got returned all the same.

 

Yuzuru was done with his training early today. He got off the ice and went over to Brian who handed him his blade covers. "You and Javier did really well today." Yuzuru nodded, following Brian's gaze towards the back end of the rink where Javier was still skating with one of the other coaches. "Did he tell you about our little talk yesterday?"

"Yes, he told me." Yuzuru turned around for a moment and shared a look of mutual understanding with his coach. "He will do better now."

"He already does. Look at him, I haven't seen him like this in months." Javier looked over and saw them talking, but once Brian gave him a thumbs up across the ice, he went right back to work. "You'd hardly recognize him if you only knew that guy from last week. He's like a new man." 

"No." Yuzuru shook his head and didn't even care a little about the way his whole face was suddenly shining brighter than the surface of the ice. "We just have old Javi back."

Javier was still on the ice when Yuzuru came back to the boards a while later, fully dressed and ready to leave. "I must go to physio and then go home study."

Javier nodded with a slightly disappointed smile but he understood. It was Yuzuru's usual routine and he had to stick to it. "Then I'll see you tomorrow, I guess."

"Or I can come visit again later." An indecent smile grazed his lips and he lowered his voice. "End day like it started."

It took Javier a moment to snap out of it and force the arising pictures back into his mind. "Are you sure you have time?"

Yuzuru put his hand on the boards directly next to Javier's, just close enough so that their fingers would lightly touch for a brief moment. "I want to make time."

They both looked up simultaneously when they heard someone cough extra indiscreetly right next to them. "Okay, enough already." Brian pointed in the directions of the door and the ice behind him. "You, physio - you, training. Let's go." Yuzuru waved goodbye as Javier pushed away from the boards, closely followed by Brian. "You did a good job today."

"Thanks. I'll keep it together from now on."

"Just try not to completely lose your head because of him, okay?"

Over Brian's shoulder Javier could still see Yuzuru standing at the door, looking back at him one last time before he walked out. "Yeah, sorry... that ship has sailed."

 

It was pretty late again when Yuzuru finally arrived at Javier's place. But it didn't matter all that much since tonight they could skip the psychological foreplay and instead just get right into it. Yuzuru had barely passed the door sill when Javier spun him around and closed the door by pushing Yuzuru against it. The loud bang it created coincided with the gasp that tried to crawl out of Yuzuru's throat but was immediately pushed down by a sultry kiss. "Are we in a hurry or something?" he finally managed to ask when Javier let go of him for a second.

"Not really." He dragged Yuzuru down the hallway and into the bedroom while he clumsily tried to undo his jeans but already struggled to just open the belt buckle. "Do you know a reason why we should wait for anything?"

"Good reason? No." All the while Yuzuru had successfully unzipped his sweater and took it off just in time before Javier pushed him backwards onto the bed.

"Okay. Then it's my turn again."

Javier started to get the hang of this, already tried some things he wouldn't dare this morning. He'd even found a few spots on Yuzuru's body that seemed to be a little more sensitive than others. Looking for those was certainly anything but a chore and the end result was evidently satisfactory for both of them. Granted, it wouldn't have hurt if Yuzuru had tasted a little less like he did and a little more like a banana milkshake or something. But that was a downside he'd be able to overcome with time, because until they got to the truly icky part, it was a real treat to watch him squirm and hear him moan with pleasure.

Afterwards they made the very rational, very conscious and very aggravating decision to shower separately. But they both had to get a little more sleep tonight and considering what had gone down this morning, that would probably not happen if they hopped in there together. Javier was already done and now sitting on the bed, leaning with his back against the wall behind the head section. When Yuzuru came out of the bathroom, he was still toweling off and wearing nothing but a sassy smile as he went over to his bag. That guy really couldn't walk into a room without making an entrance. Maybe it was just about time for a little payback. There had to be something that could throw him a bit off balance.

"You heard what I said to you this morning, right?"

For a second Yuzuru stopped in the middle of his movement before he pulled his boxers all the way up. Good. Seemed like he knew where this was going.

"Yes, I heard." His tone of voice was overly calm. A bit too calm even by his standards, actually.

"Okay, that's... good. I just wanted to check because, you know, that accidentally slipped out in Spanish first."

"I know." Yuzuru didn't look at him once but instead just proceeded to put on his pajama pants and then rummaged around in his bag.

"And then I kinda repeated it in English, didn't I?"

"You did."

"So... you _did_ understand that, right?"

Yuzuru sighed deeply and finally returned Javier's look. "Yes, I did understand. Don't worry about it. It's okay."

"What?" That wasn't exactly the reaction Javier had been looking for. 

"I know why you said that, don't worry. You were just...," he glanced at the ceiling, searching for the right phrasing, "...very happy at that moment." He winked at Javier, but that weird grin on his lips was obviously completely fake. "But don't think you can just say that every time you wish to get more sex."

"If I wish... what do you think, you're the blowjob fairy or something?" Javier was a bit irritated by that strained smile and the uncomfortable look in his eyes. 

"It's okay, don't worry."

"I'm not worried." Was he being serious? "I'm just wondering why you didn't say it back."

The room filled with an uncomfortable silence that lasted entirely too long, but was finally broken by Yuzuru's flimsy voice. "Do I have to say it?"

Maybe silence would've been the preferable option after all. "Do you... what? You... n-no, you don't but... what do you mean, _have to_?"

"You already know my feelings. I really must tell you?" He dropped his gaze and looked bashfully at the floor. "And for me that was very bad moment for talking." Yuzuru's soft smile morphed into a suggestive smirk when their eyes met again. "I had my mouth full."

"You..." Javier's eyes widened and a conflicted grunt broke free from his throat. "You're unbelievable. Have you always been such a pervy tease?"

"I don't know what those words mean."

"You bet your sweet little ass that you know exactly what that means."

Yuzuru had the usual perky grin on his lips, but that strange look from before still lingered in his eyes. "It was bad moment," he repeated quietly and with an unexpected seriousness that didn't match the torn expression on his face. He took a fresh shirt out of his bag and elaborately unfolded it. "You want everything so fast again. Last time that didn't end very good." He pulled the shirt over his forearms, but suddenly half his body seemed to slacken and he let his arms sink again. "It's very soon for you, I'm just... I'm afraid... that it will go more bad again when you already..."

"Hey, look at me." Yuzuru bit his lower lip and swallowed hard before he hesitantly lifted his head. "You're done talking now." Javier folded the bedcover back and tapped on the mattress. "Put on your shirt, turn off the light and get your ass into my bed."

Yuzuru straightened his back and didn't break eye contact for a second as he very slowly let the shirt glide down his arms again, then held it up with two fingers and ostentatiously dropped it onto the floor. Javier sighed and rolled his eyes while he laid down. "That's silly, you're gonna be cold."

"Maybe." Yuzuru flipped the light switch and crawled to Javier under the cover. "Or maybe you keep me warm." He nestled up to him and rested his head on Javier's shoulder.

Javier put one arm around him and soothingly ran his fingers through Yuzuru's hair. Funny. Right after kissing him, just holding him in his arms before going to sleep was still Javier's second favorite thing. "I know you're scared because we messed this up the first time around, and that's why I'm gonna give you a heads-up this time." His voice was a mere whisper and Yuzuru wouldn't have understood a word if he hadn't been as close to Javier as he was. "It's too bad that you don't want to hear me say that, but it will probably keep happening from time to time." He took Yuzuru's chin between two fingers and carefully turned his face towards him. "And you'll just have to live with it... because I am falling in love with you."

Their kiss only lasted a moment.  
It wasn't wildly passionate, but full of affection.  
It was their way of confiding an open secret.  
It was the one thing between them  
that was no longer misunderstood.  
It was simple,  
and sweet,  
and right now  
it was perfect.

Yuzuru snuggled his face into Javier's chest, making his blissful sigh almost inaudible. "You still don't get more sex for that tonight." He giggled silently when Javier's body began to tremble lightly under a suppressed laugh. 

Javier pulled the bedcover a bit closer around them to make sure that Yuzuru was fully covered. "Well, a guy has to plan ahead, right?" He tightened his embrace and put one last kiss on top of Yuzuru's head before he closed his eyes. "There's always tomorrow."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sequel: ["Dawning"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2607731/chapters/5810378)


End file.
